Any Advice 3

[hoosjim]

I am a big believer (even though at many points I have not been an effective practitioner) of what Sandi2 preaches WRT WWs.

There is one thing, however, that I believe most strongly and that I will say about the "lifecycle" of an affair: The more intimate it becomes (generally speaking, the longer it goes on) the harder it gets to "end", and without an end to the affair, your marriage has no chance.

This implies a pretty difficult sitch for most LBS's, in that, when they first find out, often when the A is in the early stages, they are ill-equipped emotionally to take the steps (options two and particularly three listed by Sandi2, above) that might have some hope of bringing about an end to the affair and jarring their WW's back to their senses.

I have seen this progression first hand in my own sitch-- the conversations I overheard between my W and OM on the day I consider "BD", was a completely different animal than the last conversation I heard them engaged in, which was after I wised up to the degree the affair was still active, started checking up on her, and ultimately insisted that either the affair or the marriage end. The difference was that of a "flirty/friendly/we're maybe toying with the idea a full-blown relationship" conversation from a "I want to jump on you and run away with you and can't stand being apart from you" conversation. It has been MUCH harder for my W to take the steps to "recover" from the A and distance herself from the OM as a result of it reaching that point. How do I know? Because early on she did distance herself from the OM, in the immediate aftermath of BD, and did so without a huge degree of misery/moodiness/poutiness, etc. I however, had not set any boundaries, and was too busy appeasing and playing MNG to take the steps to try to keep her honest. Her bff, friends with the OM, fairly quickly got her back "out" into the social circles and scene frequented by OM and they eventually hooked back up.

I firmly believe had I at that time (BD) been the man I am today and had I established those boundaries and insisted on no contact (as well as confronting OM which I did NOT do at that time primarily because W asked me not to) that the A very likely would have ended at that point, and that W and I would be significantly further down the road toward... wherever we are going. I do understand that my wife's waywardness would still have to have been addressed, but had I acted then instead of four to five months later, she would have gone through that cycle much sooner AND have had somewhat less strong feelings about OM to get herself over. There are studies that bear this out, that the more intimate an affair becomes and the longer it goes on the harder it can be to "break", in case you are wondering. I am a firm believer, as I believe Sandi is, that if LBH's acted as soon as the bomb dropped and put their foot down and established firm boundaries, sometimes to the point of "putting your W out of the house/MBR", then they would, on balance, reach resolution in their MR's much earlier and with a greater chance of reconciliation. (Sandi can smack me upside the head, here, if I misrepresent her opinion on this.)

If you can end the A in the early stages, IMO you absolutely have GOT to try to do so and cannot let your W continue to carry it on unopposed.