Sorry to butt in Sandi but is it possible to adopt a tweaked version of your advice to gw for my sitch wherein I have the normality at home but it is essentially different because my wife is here? I still have an enhanced relationship (in all departments) yet there is clearly cake eating going on
Well, I'm flattered you've asked, but I don't know that I have the answer you want. Here is how I would look at yours and Gw's situation and the options. Both of the WW's are living double lives. GW knows his W is still nurturing her A by contact with the OM. Your W continues to work with her OM at the same place of employment. Both WW's want to maintain a comfortable environment at home (normalizing), without ending contact with OM.
Consider the three most common options below:
Option 1: You do not focus on the third person (elephant in the room) and you focus on becoming a man only a fool would leave. You work on improving your personality, charm, confidence, male attraction, etc. You GAL, 180, add mystery, etc. You maintain a friendly, pressure-free R with your W. Basically, you are trying to show her a better you and the possibility of a better R.
Option 2: Set boundary, " I will not emotionally and intimately engage in a MR that has a third person on the sidelines". Then, you completely detach and live your life the way you want....you make daily decisions without any emotional attachment to her. You GAL for real. It has to be more than just going to the gym. Fill your calendar with GAL activities you enjoy, and that gets you around other people. Don't engage with your W (outside of kid or business related), b\c you are not interested in her daily life....unless she decides to end all sources of contact with the OM. Until then, you have nothing to discuss. In other words, you let her go. No more "soulmate" type of relationship with her, no physical affection, no intimacy, no family activities, etc.
Option 3: The hard line approach: Set boundary, "I will not stay in a M of three people", and prepare to end the M. Contact a lawyer for legal advice about physically separating, financial protection, etc. Do not wait around to see if she ends the affair. She has to choose her husband and MR......or her job and OM.
Much more could be added to these options, but this is the general idea. Each person has to decide which option is for them. I have my opinion of what works, and someone else may have a different viewpoint.
As for "tweaking" my advice about your situation...... This has been going on for almost a year, right? Speaking as a former WW, I think she could continue the affair indefinitely.....if nothing happens to cause her to make the decision to end it. After the MC released you (knowing there was an active A?), your W thought telling you that she was trying to pull back from OM.... would be enough to justify them working together. People in an affair cannot work at the same place! It has been tried many times, and guess who loses? The way to end an affair is by sudden death. If she hears him talki ng from another office cubical or she sees him walking across the parking lot.....it sparks that need to talk to him or stand closer, get him behind closed doors, etc.
As long as she has both worlds (both men), I don't think she will be motivated to change her actions. That's just my opinion.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
