Wild ride and now trapped in the Bermuda Triangle

[dmoy]

Dmoy,

I'm going to pass along some 2x4's but that's what you get when you come here.
You had an A and you are an alcoholic.
LRT and going dark are NOT for the person that had an A and has a drinking problem.
You need to be going to IC, AA and doing 180's the likes the which the world has never seen. 180's that are GENUINE, not just to win your W back. You need to be present, giving and humble when it comes to your W. On top of your A and your drinking problem, your W (and you too) are having to deal with a miscarriage. Thats some hard $h!t.
You need to be patient and empathetic with your W. She needs time to see the NEW Dmoy, if you really have changed.
Do NOT bring up R talk. Your W can do that when SHE is ready.

Yup. And going to counseling. Been sober 3.5 months at this point and not looking back. It has not been a struggle period. It was more habitual than anything (numbing, go read Daring Greatly by Brené Brown). And after my wife shared the story of our late friend who she confided in, it gave me even more reason. I just wished she had communicated her feelings more explicitly, or at least during couples counseling last year when we discussed the subject.

I'll enlighten you on some more details I haven't yet shared here-- After the affair and miscarriage, we renewed our wedding vows (last Oct, a day before our 7th anniversary). Given the tone of the recommitment, I'm still trying to figure out how not even 9 months later she fled, but that's beside the point. My resuming drinking, albeit just a fraction of before, was obviously a sore spot, and a bigger one than I was aware of at the time. I think she had some convincing along the way though from friends that I "wasn't going to change" (her words). There have been posts on FB some in my family have seen where her friends were very anti-me.

She has good days and bad days. Limiting conversation seems to have improved things (removed pressure about our future), so that's good. LRT does pretty much fit my situation though. And although I can't truly go dark given that she sees me 6 days at week to some degree and I have the kids at some point every day, she's well aware of how I'm doing and how I'm doing with them.

Not working through the A or miscarriage is on me. I was ashamed of the A and didn't want to talk about it, just move on. After she left the second time, I realized that it was important that we work through it. Unfortunately our counselor never really advised this during our earlier sessions. I really wish I had "Dealing with Infidelity" a year ago...