25, I don't know. My head hurts trying to think about those answers. I just don't know. I mean that. And I am so, so sad as of late. I'm not doing too well these days; having trouble sleeping and poor appetite. Feeling anxious like I did post BD. It's hard for me to post when things are not going well. I have been honest with H about my feelings. He listens, apologizes, feels like there is nothing more he can do, and so it goes. I'm tired.

I hate to let people down; it seems some of you look to me for hope. I'm sorry, but today I can't give that. I don't want to say too much more now. But I will say that there is a man giving me a lot of attention these days. I like it. The guilt I feel is tremendous. Then I feel rage at H: I am not having an A, so how could you? I don't want to hurt you, so how could you? Again, how could you do that to us? .... but I do like the attention from this man, I cannot lie. I also recognize this is making things worse .... again the guilt ... then anger .... and round I go. And no, I have not told my H about this. That's the part that feels bad.

Now listen here, I don't want all you scorned LBH to come swinging hard and telling me I'm going wayward! I am on your team, remember? I will say tho, I am starting to see how it happens. I am starting to understand how a friendship can go to an EA. I feel something shifting in me--not an A, but perhaps understanding how they work. .... . I'm so confused at the same time. Unfortunately, this confusion only pulls me further away from H. He made a choice, he wasn't a victim. Every time I allow this OM to flirt, I make a choice too.

I think it's time for a new thread. I don't know if I have the energy for a new thread. I'm tired.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela