25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7

[25yearsmlc]

And only time will reveal this to me. When I ponder being sick or caring for him on his death bed, it's not as sparkly. But I'd have done that for h without a second thought.


THIS stopped me dead in my tracks! I'm so glad you articulated this so well.

As I begin to even FEEL my thoughts wander into the "what would it be like" to even be touched by another man, MUCH less be intimate, MUCH, MUCH LESS care for him on his sickbed, I just want to weep or throw up. (Neither of which would be very productive in a new relationship, of that I'm fairly certain.)

So much for being "ready" to venture out. I see why they say wait a year. I think it will take me much longer.

Well ladies,

it's not as if I'm about to remarry. In fact, I'm not 100% positive we will really date - And he could blurt out a deal breaker for me, too.

When people said "wait a year to date" I felt like that was just not going to happen at all or it would not happen for much longer.

People would also say, in general, that I'd "feel better in a year." Well there are days I think that's only b/c it sukked so much for the first year.

How could it not feel "better"?

As for dating, that's very different from being "in love" and that's very different from wanting a commitment. I'm merely ready to begin the "practice of dating."

As for intimacy - uh yeah...see, I like sex. But I want that to be - "understood" and I want to skip the awkward unfamiliar parts! Anyway....

I like living alone very much. Hard to imagine someone other than my kids - (or, ugh, h, to be honest)

living in the same home as me. I love the privacy and autonomy. Never lived alone till this year. So yeah, I love it.

(Okay, Ask me on Christmas Eve.)

So Parts of me wonder how on earth I'd ever commit to that much commitment again -

b/c tbh, I did the heavy lifting in my m. (For 35 years.)

So, no, I'm not about to jump all in for a man I did not have 3 kids with or build careers or attain wealth and move and grow up with and yada yada. But what if?? What if a great guy who is really ready, comes along?

How will I know what I want and feel, (let alone him) when there is a part of me that simply is used to being in a couple and likes that??

Ah yes, The deathbed scene...

maybe that's^^ the test of what a love built over years of bonding is. Because that was a GIVEN in my marriage. That was one of the ways I knew I loved my h. Loyalty and familiar compassion...

At least in me. Damn, the idea that maybe it wasn't for h, kills me.

I'm rambling trying to say , it's easy to "feel in love". Much easier than I thought.

Maybe that's what took me a year?

I can imagine feeling it and in some ways that IS feeling it.

I wondered how on earth I would really know, even at this age, the difference between a crush or lust, just easing loneliness, shiny new sparkly object,

versus and a rock solid LOVE built over years...

I thought it was built over years and that I simply knew that. And I kept my vows. And that wasn't all that hard, 90% of the time. Temptations arose but I learned how to keep my head down and adultery was not going to be MY problem, ever.

But once the marriage is over and your long long "love" is gone - and you think about finding/creating it again,

you have to ask yourself how you will KNOW.

So far, the "comfort level" of a death bed or long term illness is what I've come up with.