I'm glad to read that you're not focusing on the what if scenarios any more. I went through the same thing. Eventually, I realized that even when I did everything that XH wanted me to do, it still wasn't enough. Like you, that hurts. But also like you, there isn't anything I could have done differently that would have changed the outcome. He had to go down his path and do things his way. I think it takes time to accept that and believe it to be true.
Will you be good enough next time? How can you prevent future pain? Are you doomed to repeat your mistakes?
You've learned all of those answers by going through this experience. Because of the pain, you will work harder to ensure that it doesn't happen again. By keeping the conversations going with your GF and checking in with her to have those deeper conversations from time to time, you two can stay on the same page and work through things together.
It is scary to put your faith into someone else. But it is also scary to not take that risk. One thing that helped me as I was getting married the second time was knowing that if it all happened again, I will be OK. Of course, I don't think it will come to that or I wouldn't have gotten married, but I will be OK. I learned from my XH that marriage is work and it does not mean we will be together forever. While that is the goal, I can only control myself. I work hard on my marriage. I try to express my thoughts and feelings even when they aren't good. Communication really is the key.
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While I am hearing things like "Ill never cheat on you" or "I dont see why we wouldnt be together forever", in my head, I feel that those absolutes are not so meaningful. Having gone through it once before after hearing those kinds of words, it's difficult to believe it 100%. Do I think we'll be together in 20 years? Sure! But Ive lost that ability to love 'innocently'.
What if she said, "I will do my best to work things out with you in our relationship" or something to that effect? I think what changed with me is the knowledge that marriage is work. A good relationship is work. My partner can choose to leave me at any time, and I need to do my best to keep him happy and myself happy.
Also, don't judge your GF based on what your XW did.
Are you sure she doesn't care if you get married or not? I'm wondering why she would tell you she'll never cheat or that she sees you 2 together forever, if marriage isn't something that she would like.
Something else to consider - your kids. Remember that you are their role model. I wonder what they will think if they see you continue to live with your GF without getting married. How may it affect them in the long run? Have you talked with them about the idea of you and your GF getting married?
