What to Do? 4

[chris19]

Yes it does. I am speechless because I just still can't believe she thinks I would invite her... She HAS TO KNOW what I need in order to move forward with her right??? It is like I am second guessing myself as to directly telling her what I need (her to stop talking to OM).

I know I have though... Do I need to spell it out to her? Should I even response to that text?

Also; on those thoughts...what if she has stopped talking to the OM, do you think she would tell me immediately? How will I know IF she is done talking with OM???

sorry for the typo's....I am just dumbfounded, angry, sad (all these emotions again)...coming here for advise and support.

[TBSakaJ9]

No worries....you have made it clear and she knows. She is just testing your resolve. You don't need to explain yourself again.

IMO if she wants to get back together with you she will make it clear. I don't think you will have to guess.

[sandi2]

Basically W said it boils down to; if we talk or at least if I respond to her calls she doesn't mind me reading out to the family. So I told her I cannot promise I will respond to her reaching out to me bc I still wasn't sure how I felt about he at the moment (bc of the OM)r; so I rather just tell her now I will stop reaching out to her family.

Look, she is trying to control you, and she's always controlled you b/c you are Mr. Nice Guy. Of course she doesn't want you reaching out to "her" family. No WW wants their family to be talking to the LBH with her controlling the conversation. Your WW is selfish and spoiled, and she thinks throwing a tantrum like a kid will get her way.

Sandi; Do you agree with them? For some reason yesterday and today I am just extremely angry and frustrated with my whole sitch. I wish I would have made those comments which Maika and Tread mentioned above when I was on the phone with W. No I am just kicking myself; because I am afraid W thinks the ball is in my court right now from what I said;

Well, I wouldn't repeat what Tread (no offense) said to your W, b/c that is an invitation to continue the battle. I'm seeing too many men repeating things from the board that are just for his ears, only.....and it comes across badly to the WW.

Stop explaining yourself to your wayward W! Frankly, I think the comment you made about not sure how you felt, was the best thing you could have said. You have to understand something........she needs to think you could decide to dump her cheating a$$. Stop beating yourself up! Why are you trying to make it so easy for her? The WW should work to get you back. She should be convincing you!

You keep saying the ball is in her court. Not true......or at least, it shouldn't be. You have the ball, not her. You call the shots from here on out. Got it? That's the only way she'll learn to respect you and treat you like a man instead of a doormat to wipe her feet on.

Did you read about the nice guy syndrome? Cause you have NGS. You cannot nice back a wayward W.

You were doing good until you broke down after three days and contacted her. Ever since then, you have been sweating bullets. B/c you are scared this woman who has lied, cheated, and betrayed you might not want to reconcile? IDK, but being separated longer might be the best thing that could happen. I don't think she is near ready. That stuff about her regretting the affair? Well, she sure hasn't humbled herself, or she would not be talking to you and BIL like she did. She really does need to feel some humility for her actions, or you'll find that nothing has changed when you go back together.

You are getting your b@lls back.....so don't let her have them back again. Do not explain ANYTHING when she starts berating you. Immediately hang up, b/c you've already told her you are not going to stay on the phone while she yells. That is a boundary you've laid down, now stick to it.

Not another word about the BIL, or who you will talk to. Shge doesn't get to call the shots for your life. Stop acting as if she's your mother you have to obey.

Now, go NC for the rest of the week. Don't even respond if she contacts you first. That woman needs to worry that you are fed up. Don't worry over ever word you've said. You need to set yourself free of that prison! That's no way to live.

Have I talked you down yet?

[chris19]

I am glad I recognized that while speak to W; I knew it would just keep the battle going - that is good news.

I do not know why I am trying to make it easy for her. It is the NGS I am know understanding and trying to work through. It is just another factor in my life I am trying to recognize and work through. I am re-reading the NGS threads.

I am glad I did set that boundary while on the phone.

I cannot stand that I keep getting these "sweaty bullets" every time W texts me something not nice... It has been a battle for me to keep my emotions in check when this happens. It's only until I express them on this board when I realize I am still being passive and not controlling my life.

Thank you for your words sandi; you have shed major light on my sitch and i greatly appreciate it. I will go to the wedding w/e and GAL/NC.

[TBSakaJ9]

Chris one of the best pieces of advice I have got on the board is that I can't be afraid to lose my W and that is what it will take if I am to ever get her back. You are the prize and work to understand your value as a man. Learning your value will help with your confidence and hopefully guide you in your future decisions.

[sandi2]

I wasn't referring to the threads. You need to read the free download on the Internet. It explains everything.

I cannot stand that I keep getting these "sweaty bullets" every time W texts me something not nice... It has been a battle for me to keep my emotions in check when this happens. It's only until I express them on this board when I realize I am still being passive and not controlling my life.

Well, you are learning a new behavior and you don't feel fully confident that you have handled some things correctly. Chris, you have been "condition" to adjust your ways based on your W's moods. She ingrained something into you, and that was you had better not pi$$ her off. So, you kind of walk around on egg shells never knowing when she's going to blast on you. Trying to keep her in a good mood became a fulltime job. Those were the dynamics of your MR. If the M is going to be a success, those dynamics must change.

Be proud of yourself for standing up to her and telling her what you would need to reconcile. When she is texting unkind words, just remember that is bullying. She bullies you to whip you back under her thumb. She verbally stripes you of your manhood. But this time, you are stronger and you are not giving ANYONE power over your life. She will test you mightily, but keep showing her it doesn't work anymore. You are through answering to her and bending over for her beatings.

Thank you for your words sandi; you have shed major light on my sitch and i greatly appreciate it. I will go to the wedding w/e and GAL/NC.

Great! I'm proud of you for not falling for her pathetic game play. She really showed her true colors, IMHO.

[chris19]

Hello board. Made it back from the weekend with NC with W.

Going to try and continue with what I am doing. I have a question; my W's sister is expecting their first child in a few weeks. Also, my W bday is in a month or so. Granted everything remains the same with my sitch; am I to ignore these events.

I am going to find it very difficult to ignore these events. Just looking for some advice. Thank you in advance.

[Chris73]

...Chris, you have been "conditioned" to adjust your ways based on your W's moods. She ingrained something into you, and that was you had better not pi$$ her off. So, you kind of walk around on eggshells never knowing when she's going to blast on you. Trying to keep her in a good mood became a fulltime job. Those were the dynamics of your MR. If the M is going to be a success, those dynamics must change.

I read this as if it were directed at me! LOL!!

This is a hard habit to break, especially if you don't want the marriage to end. Even this morning (if you read my thread), I was a little stressed about making sure I left the house in perfect shape before my W came home. Meanwhile, she does whatever she wants and doesn't worry about how I will react. Talk about a one-sided relationship!

[CW2017]

Must be about all having the same Christian name!

[chris19]

UPDATE -

just got a Text from W.

"Hey just wanted you to know that Mr.X (the OM) is no longer a part of my life. You haven't asked but thought I'd tell you."

Now; my head kind of split two ways on this. One - W is telling me this to let me know, he is not in her life anymore, but bc you pulled NC I still am filing for D; or Two - she wants to try and piece.

Please help with a response if I need to say anything right now; or if I need her to "prove" it.