25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7

[25yearsmlc]

thanks Ginger

you know, I watched the first 2 episodes of that show. Yes it made me laugh but I could not continue (then, at least) b/c it seemed to me that the betrayal was overlooked due to the gay issue.

Like "it's great you're being authentic" and not much about a 20 year deceit. But maybe that's addressed later?

Anyhow, my God I laughed my a$$ off this weekend. Visiting a HS friend who had a double lung transplant (went with 3 other friends) and just loved seeing the ocean with people I've known since I was very young.

3 were at my wedding (shrug).

Oh, I met a man I'm interested in and I"ve learned something about this in general.

It's incredibly distracting and appealing to fixate on the new person. I'm self aware enough to see this.

But it makes me see how APs keep the attention of the WAS so that the spouse doesn't "need" to look at the crap they do.

There's a sparkly new person in their line of vision.

Don't get me wrong, I LIKE the guy. I told myself I'd wait a year till I dated.

Oh, wait, it's been a year (since yesterday, I mean).


Query - my therapist in CA, just before I left, took both my hands in hers and said "do NOT marry the first man you date. Promise me."

She REALLY emphasized this (a bit too much, to be honest). I never forgot that.

I think the problem she feared is that for those who want so badly to be in a couple, reeling in feelings of rejection, then the first decent guy who affirms you, is "the guy!"
Proof we are worthy!

We ponder how our WAS's can replace us so fast but in a way, I can see how. (I know, gross).

It's not the real thing but it's a great fake. As long as you can imagine dancing at your wedding with them, and your kids being SO glad for you, and all the fans will approve and CLAP CLAP and the great sex you will always have, and the long walks on the beach, and the blah blah blah (h probably thinking Schmoopie loves hunting and fishing and love bombs, etc)

it's how you create a narrative in your mind that shows the "truth of this" and you go down that road. I have to stop myself from saying how great the new guy is, b/c I am projecting way too much. I cannot know this yet.

And only time will reveal this to me. When I ponder being sick or caring for him on his death bed, it's not as sparkly. But I'd have done that for h without a second thought.


Rambling. Thanks for listening.