Good start, Woody! When you were up in newcomers, did you see JJ's thread about goal setting? He's got some terrific ones that might help you put some down on paper.
Goals ARE different than chores. Chores are something you do because they have to be done. Goals are something you do because they are worthwhile and give you value.
My #1 goal for a really long time was to rid myself of the anger I felt. I had to list specific ways I was going to do that: a) By reading books that discuss this topic; b) By being honest with myself as to its source--imagine my surprise after discovering that my anger was mostly self directed!; c) By engaging in prayer--specifically asking for assistance when I felt weak; d) Identifying more appropriate responses to the circumstances when I felt angry; e) Logging my results over time.
Got it?
If you're anything like Mr. Wonderful, finishing the basement provides all sorts of opportunities for catharsis. You are alone with yourself and thinking as you are doing something. You enjoy doing it (I assume?). You get the advantage of seeing tangible progress at the end of every task.
Since you mentioned being a good father (and I believe that this is a value you hold dear), how do you identify the things it takes to be a good dad? I happened to adore my dad because he was so present with me. He was a policeman and had weird hours, so I could have fun with him around the clock, depending on his shifts.
He jump roped with me and my sister (he actually taught us how to double dutch), he read with us, he took us and our friends places--like the zoo or the movies, and best of all? He made time to listen to us at the end of every day.
What is Woody's version of being a great dad? I'll bet just making this list brings you immense joy. Focus on that, friend.
Let's see... you sound a little unsure of your W's accusation that you started doing your own thing. In girl speak, this sounds like "Woody, I want you present with me, but you find other things to do when I want to be with you."
Is this the case?
Before we go any further, have you read the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? You'll find his stuff in the religious section of the book store... It is a wonderful book that illustrates how we each express and believe we receive love.
I'm a person who feels loved when I get words of affirmation. Well, Mr. Wonderful speaks his love by doing acts of service... things like mowing the lawn, cleaning out gutters, taking care of the hot tub, putting up moulding in the dining room. He felt I didn't love him enough because I wasn't expressing my sincere gratitude for all the chores he did for me! While I was feeling unloved because he hardly ever told me I looked pretty or that he thought I had done a good job with something or praised me for a choice I made. No wonder we were both stuck!
Did she feel trapped because she was feeling resentful that her needs were not being met? This one hit awfully close to home for me. I felt trapped. And I also felt angry about "being stuck" with the kids when he did his golf weekends with the guys, or took a day off from work to go fishing or found himself busy when I wanted to do something.
The reality of this is that I wasn't taking care of myself, so I blamed him and let the resentment seep into every aspect of our marriage. Fortunately, I figured this out. But if he had been enlightened 5 years ago and said to me, "Bets, I get to do so much on my own and I really appreciate you being there for me. Would you like to take a weekend and head out somewhere to hang out with friends?" I can honestly say it would have gone a long way with me.
Someone has to break free of the blame and resentment game. Since you're here, it might as well be you who goes first!
The final one... no passion. Yes, I am guilty as charged for saying the same thing for years. No passion because I was not feeling as though I was his #1 priority. The lower I ranked on the totem pole, the more disenchanted I became with my own M.
The best part is that you can change all of these things with some effort and a whole lot of patience.
First, though, you must give her space. Show her you really understand her needs and show her how patient you are. SHOW her that she is your #1 priority... by not complaining about how unfair the sitch is (and we know this is true, so come here for some validation on that score). Don't try to get her to see things from your POV. Don't waste another minute trying to figure out how she got there.
Work on being the man she really can't live without. Figure out her love language and start speaking it. Don't do too much too soon, but when the opportunity arises to speak it, go for it.
Hopefully, this makes sense?
Great feedback, so keep up the good work! As our MC told me last year, "become the solution detective".
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey 