Thanks, I will definitely keep DBing my butt off. Still I have some questions about how to go about it. Do I continue simply being a friend for her, as she has very few at this point, or do I let her make the moves and sit back and relax? I just don't get it, why after 2 months of them being together, him treating her like crap and she still prefers him, do I look at it like that or should be seeing this is a different light? Anyway nothing more for an update, but will continue to rant here, makes me feel better and has less chance of getting back to her this way, keep up the great work DBers, all the assistance is more than welcomed and appreciated.
Well I have been doing the same things, but now I am getting the same lines I got when she decided to leave.
Example: "Maybe after things have settled and I've had some time to myself we can discuss future plans, but right now I need time alone. Doesn't mean that we can't do things together and be friends, but that's all I can commit to at the moment. I wish things were different but it wouldn't be fair of me to tell you what you want to hear just to spare your feelings and then have everything fall apart again. I have alot of things I need to sort out in my head."
This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about, the same lingo I heard a few months back. I have responded with apathy, stating that its fine that you need time to yourself and all that. Only thing is I know she playing me with how she feels towards the OM. Should I be concerned with that, or just ne happy that she thinks she is happy? I don't want to encourage her to be with him, but what do I say??? She is moving out of the OM place today and has cleared out the rest of her stuff from our home, now she is really gone. I am OK with that, knowing she will thinking about us and if its something she reallyw ants, but as I said I'm not sure if she means it or is just playing me so I can help her out from time to time and all that. ANy guidance would be appreciated here. I am not down on myself or anything like that, I just have a feeling she is yanking my chain for the sake she knows she can.
Should I continue to do things together with her? SHould I initiate or let her make the plans and follow suit? That is probably my biggest question? All I know right now is how I'm feeling, and since she has returned to my life, I can't stop thinking about her. I dream of her nightly and cannot stop to think of the nice things I want to do for her, but don't know if that will push her further towards OM, or that she will fall in love with me again. If anyone can answer that one for me, please do, I seem to be caught up in my emotions as of late and I am in dire need of some direction.
Thanks PiB, but now you have raised another question, if she wants time alone, why does she want to do things with me???
I know for a fact she still longs for OM, but how long will that last? Only she knows I guess, I'm not in this to try and make her change her mind at all, I'd rather she see what she has lost and come back to something real and loving.
I will definitley heed your advice and let her make the moves and continue on with my life. Her and only her can make the decision to reconcile, I have made my peace with her and she knows where I stand, so now is time to let the cards fall where they may.
I will admit I was the one initiating most of the contact as of late, I will try to be less forthcoming with her and see if she means what she says.
Anyone out there have any tidbits as to how to approach my sitch? By that I mean, do I send her flowers from time to time, call to chat or things like that? I just don;t want to push her to hard to the point where she doesn't even want me in her life anymore, but seeing her and being with her, then watching her go away to be OM tears my insides apart.
Is this a time where Is hould go dark for a few weeks to see where it leads, or keep up with the pleasantries and the how do ya dos???
My gut tells me to pursue, pursue, pursue like there's no tomorrow..Is this wrong, it maybe, but that is what my gut tells me, shower her with love and maybe she will come around to seeing that hey, he isn;t that bad after all...
Well I'm back...No real developments to the sitch. She has now moved in to her new place, very close to mine might I add. Other than that have been giving her space, not initiating much other than inviting her for Mother's Day Day dinner, which she accepted. We had a great time over dinner just hung out, had sometime together with our daughter, then she was off with daughter in hand for the week.
Although I can't get a read on her now, she doesn't seem open to discussion on anything except small talk about nothing that matters. Should this bother me? She does seem interested in some aspects of my life.
Example: I was in the newspaper, and showed her the article, she asked if she could have it. Also daughter and I were in the newspaper about a week later, told her about it and she made apoint to ask to see it after dinner. I see these as good baby steps, she is interested in me again somewhat.
Other news, our daughter had called me before bed last night, this is after she had left. She asked if I could go and read her some bedtime stories. Of course I didn't want to impose, asked politely if I could go read some stories and she said it was fine. IS it odd that she lets me in her new place? Should I take this as a baby step as well? Because before there was none of me going over as she was living on OM house at the time, and there was no way I setting foot in there...
I know the OM was one who told her to get a new place, but now that she is there should I look at the sitch differently?
Man lots of questions I know, maybe I'm looking into things too much. But I am riddled with emotions right now and don't want to say or do the wrong thing to jeopardize things as she seems to be willing to let me in her life again, to a certain extent. I would still love to know if she is playing me because she probably knows is she pushes the right buttons I will fold.
I try to keep some mystery to my life as well, for example, last night she asked what I was doing after I left, simply left it at going to watch a movie, but she seemed interested to know where and with whom. Are these good signs that she is interested in what I'm doing?
Questions, questions questions, I know I have lots, but this DBing things is hard on the head somedays. I had a few lonely nights last week, but got out of the gutter with a nice party with friends on the weekend and some exercise, hopefully i can keep my mind clear and my body healthy though these emotional roller coasters....
We'll I have been letting the cards fall and seeing if she would initiate anything this week. And guess what, nothing at all. I guess patience in on the plate for this week. Although she keeps trying to give me guilt trips about things. Example, she now has new place and keeps saying that she won't be able to afford it in the winter because of the heating bill, and casually said I wasn't helping her out. What gives, does she expect me to fork it out while she decides to live another life, I had to put my foot down on that one and calmly said, "You made your bed time to sleep in it. I knwo it sounds harsh but she needs to wake up and smell the roses on the other side of the fence I think.
She keeps telling me that we said we would do whats best for our daughter, I beleive whats best is to have her parents together working it out, but she sees it another way obviously. I haven't said that to her directly but maybe I should.
Earlier this week I laid it out plain and clear to her, I said to her my ultimate goal was for us to work on the marriage, be it now or down the road, i have yet to get response to that, I'm thinking she probably thinks I'm sounding redundant and all, but I needed to tell her what my goal was. It helped me alot emotionally to tell her that.
I am stillg oing to steer clear and see if she initaites anything, but this week nothing as I mentioned, maybe she likes it like this, I don;t know. As I said in previous posts, she doesn;t seem willign to open up yet emotionally to me. I can understand and don't condone her for it at all.
As for me, life is great, daughter calls me everyday from WAW house to get a good night from me, don't talk to her much as she has not much to say these days. She mentioned she was stressed a bit the other day as she smashed her truck and needs to get it fixed, now she wants to sell it as she says she can't afford it, again with the money problems, I guess she starting to see its not great on her own. Oh well, as I said she made her bed.
WHat do you guys think do I keep playing superdad, and ignore her pleas for financial help, and keep it at being dad and not trying to talk R with her. I know this is key to DBing, not talking R. I've tried a few times in the past 2 weeks to no avail, so I guess maybe its time to forget that and keep on truckin.
Quote: I know this is key to DBing, not talking R. I've tried a few times in the past 2 weeks to no avail, so I guess maybe its time to forget that and keep on truckin.
R talk IS necessary, but it's the last sentence that tells you this isn't a good idea. At least right now.
I see a whole lot of promise here for you. But I have to say I think you need to do a few things, and do them really well.
Topping the list is patience! You really should not expect this to clear up overnight or even soon. Just accept that this timetable is going to be what is best for you, her and your family. Okay?
Continually fighting her apparent need/desire to figure things out is only going to drive her away. Had I been the one to ask for time and space, I would want someone to respect my wishes.
That does NOT mean there are not consequences for the choices we make. One of them are definitely the financial aspects of this choice. The next time she brings up how hard this is going to be for her, I would suggest stifling any comments like "Well, lady, this is YOUR idea, so YOU figure it out!"
I would recommend a more validating approach... "Gee, honey, I understand. It's going to be really difficult for everyone for awhile. I'll do my very best to support the family while you take the time to discover what is in your heart."
You're not sounding harsh and condeming, but you're not agreeing to do things her way either. You're ensuring your commitment to support rather than attempting to get her to see that you're right. Do you see the difference?
Quote: She keeps telling me that we said we would do whats best for our daughter, I beleive whats best is to have her parents together working it out, but she sees it another way obviously. I haven't said that to her directly but maybe I should.
Earlier this week I laid it out plain and clear to her, I said to her my ultimate goal was for us to work on the marriage, be it now or down the road, i have yet to get response to that, I'm thinking she probably thinks I'm sounding redundant and all, but I needed to tell her what my goal was. It helped me alot emotionally to tell her that.
Yep, it's redundant and my guess is that she's going to get angry with you very soon if you don't keep that tongue silent. Believe me, Woody, she KNOWS how you feel. Instead of talking these words, what do you think about SHOWING her these words?
Support her decision to find out what she's made of?
I think it would be great if you could add a little mystery. Someone bumped the mystery ideas thread up in newcomers, so it's easily accessed. In my mind, mystery adds a little ante to get them to think a little harder.
Woody, if you really want to convince your W that you are the guy she can't live without, you're going to need a game plan. I'm a huge fan of making goals. Goals that are short, medium and long term and easily measured. Goals that help you become the guy she wants.
Let's start with her reasons why she felt she couldn't be with you. Michelle says somewhere that there is usually truth to those accusations. What can you work on to SHOW her that you are serious about changing?
I think if you read some threads here in Piecing, you will find that many of these reunited couples have had experiences where the WAS is watching very carefully before committing to reconciling. They are fearful that the changes are only temporary, and they fear failure the most. The possibility of going back to the old marriage scares the heck out of them. If you can eliminate this source of anxiety, it will further your cause more than you'll ever know.
I believe this is the core of the very issue in my own turning point...
Do you mind sharing some goals here with us? You certainly have a whole lot of hope here. I just want you to see that we believe in this process. It works--it really does.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thanks for the uplifting words Betsey, lots to think about there. You asked for some of my goals. I have a few goals in mind that I have been working on. Here they are.
First and foremost, being the best father to my daughter, whatever that entails. Secondly, I've decided to get myself in shape by working out hard and long during these lonely days. I have also changed my diet completely around and I am feeling better physically because of it. I've become active in youth sports as well, something I've been wanting to do for a while now but never had the time, I am going to coach little league this summer.
As for some more long term goals, I have planned to refinish my basement in our home, I have partially done it, now I;m going to finish it. Ultimately work on my marriage is probably the biggest goal I have right now and the furthest away from acheiving as well. I also plan on changing my routines around a bit, making eacjh day different instead on the same old same old.
Are these the goals you had in mind? Are my goals not goals but simply chores? I have a hard time differenciating them.
Anyway, I will definitley leave the R talk alone, when she's ready she willcome, I hope anyway.
The reasons she said she couldn't be with me were the following: She said I starting doing my own thing back last summer, which I still can't figure out. 2) She said she felt trapped in our home, eben though I was not one to say you can't do this and you can't do that, i've always given her space and let her do as she pleased. Maybe that was part of it, no boundaries. Alo she said that she thought I expected sex every night before we fell asleep, of course it would've been nice, but I was not demanding of it. She also mentioned she had the passion for me, that she still loved me as a person but was not in love with me anymore, I'm sure many of us have heard that one. She said she couldn't be the wife that I expected of her, that I did everything for her and she could do nothing for me, just didn't have it in her.
I will try to think of some more things she said to me while things were falling apart, hard to back on those memories though, those were very hard times for me.
Does any of what I mentioned turn on any lights for anyone? Are there things I can do to undo the wrongs i've done?
But Betsey I will definitely lay low and let things materialize on their own, enough pushing and talking, as you said she knows where I stand and leave it alone. Your are quite wise, thanks.
So please Betsey let me know if these are the type of goals I should have or should they be of a different type. You seem to have great knowledge and I would for you to share some of it with me...
Oh I read the thread on mystery, lots of great info there, i will apply some of these techniques to see if things change. I have to pick up daughter tonite, first thing I'm gonna do is arrive slightly late, not like me to be late for anything, I'm very punctual. So this may create some mystery. I di love the thread though some very good pointers there, its imperative though not to take it too much of an extreme from what I gather. Hope you have have some more great insightful suggestions Betsey, I appreciate your input..
Good start, Woody! When you were up in newcomers, did you see JJ's thread about goal setting? He's got some terrific ones that might help you put some down on paper.
Goals ARE different than chores. Chores are something you do because they have to be done. Goals are something you do because they are worthwhile and give you value.
My #1 goal for a really long time was to rid myself of the anger I felt. I had to list specific ways I was going to do that: a) By reading books that discuss this topic; b) By being honest with myself as to its source--imagine my surprise after discovering that my anger was mostly self directed!; c) By engaging in prayer--specifically asking for assistance when I felt weak; d) Identifying more appropriate responses to the circumstances when I felt angry; e) Logging my results over time.
Got it?
If you're anything like Mr. Wonderful, finishing the basement provides all sorts of opportunities for catharsis. You are alone with yourself and thinking as you are doing something. You enjoy doing it (I assume?). You get the advantage of seeing tangible progress at the end of every task.
Since you mentioned being a good father (and I believe that this is a value you hold dear), how do you identify the things it takes to be a good dad? I happened to adore my dad because he was so present with me. He was a policeman and had weird hours, so I could have fun with him around the clock, depending on his shifts.
He jump roped with me and my sister (he actually taught us how to double dutch), he read with us, he took us and our friends places--like the zoo or the movies, and best of all? He made time to listen to us at the end of every day.
What is Woody's version of being a great dad? I'll bet just making this list brings you immense joy. Focus on that, friend.
Let's see... you sound a little unsure of your W's accusation that you started doing your own thing. In girl speak, this sounds like "Woody, I want you present with me, but you find other things to do when I want to be with you."
Is this the case?
Before we go any further, have you read the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? You'll find his stuff in the religious section of the book store... It is a wonderful book that illustrates how we each express and believe we receive love.
I'm a person who feels loved when I get words of affirmation. Well, Mr. Wonderful speaks his love by doing acts of service... things like mowing the lawn, cleaning out gutters, taking care of the hot tub, putting up moulding in the dining room. He felt I didn't love him enough because I wasn't expressing my sincere gratitude for all the chores he did for me! While I was feeling unloved because he hardly ever told me I looked pretty or that he thought I had done a good job with something or praised me for a choice I made. No wonder we were both stuck!
Did she feel trapped because she was feeling resentful that her needs were not being met? This one hit awfully close to home for me. I felt trapped. And I also felt angry about "being stuck" with the kids when he did his golf weekends with the guys, or took a day off from work to go fishing or found himself busy when I wanted to do something.
The reality of this is that I wasn't taking care of myself, so I blamed him and let the resentment seep into every aspect of our marriage. Fortunately, I figured this out. But if he had been enlightened 5 years ago and said to me, "Bets, I get to do so much on my own and I really appreciate you being there for me. Would you like to take a weekend and head out somewhere to hang out with friends?" I can honestly say it would have gone a long way with me.
Someone has to break free of the blame and resentment game. Since you're here, it might as well be you who goes first!
The final one... no passion. Yes, I am guilty as charged for saying the same thing for years. No passion because I was not feeling as though I was his #1 priority. The lower I ranked on the totem pole, the more disenchanted I became with my own M.
The best part is that you can change all of these things with some effort and a whole lot of patience.
First, though, you must give her space. Show her you really understand her needs and show her how patient you are. SHOW her that she is your #1 priority... by not complaining about how unfair the sitch is (and we know this is true, so come here for some validation on that score). Don't try to get her to see things from your POV. Don't waste another minute trying to figure out how she got there.
Work on being the man she really can't live without. Figure out her love language and start speaking it. Don't do too much too soon, but when the opportunity arises to speak it, go for it.
Hopefully, this makes sense?
Great feedback, so keep up the good work! As our MC told me last year, "become the solution detective".
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey 