Thanks Sotto and CW. I'm obviously thinking a lot about this and question whether I'm wasting my time with DB when there may be less suffering if we choose to divorce. This has been going on for a few years now and my husband hasn't even said "I love you" for years.
I'm not perfect but I've tried really hard to offer second chances and I've bought my husband many gifts and cards to celebrate his career achievements, birthdays, etc.. but he hasn't done anything at all for me in many years.
I guess I said it in another post but I feel afraid of trading one set of problems for another if I do manage to get into a new relationship. Relationships all seem to start out great, even for many years. But what if I find myself in the same place with another man in ten years? Someone else may cheat or there may be something different like alcohol, issues with extended family abuse, etc.. This makes it hard to think about moving on. My husband isn't violent or abusive in any way. He's used to be a good man at heart, just very immature and selfish since he discovered he can have whatever he wants here in the US and he's always had me to fall back on. I think I failed to respond effectively the first time I found him talking to other women and he lost respect for me.
I will do my best to practice DB techniques a bit longer but need to really consider more if that's the best route. I believe in the DB book there is a last resort where you say you'll file divorce and be ready to do so. I recall it saying that may push the spouse into changing. I don't know though if that would have a positive impact in my case? There's not much more to lose in our case so I may study it more.
There is something else I'd like to ask for anyone who's reading and can respond. I saw PsySara refer to this phenomenon but failed to copy it to quote it here. Basically cheating is a really bad thing to do and it's very difficult to do a 180 where you act like you no longer care, act pleasant, and look like you're moving on. I know you're supposed to do it for your own sake, but to some degree it feels like you're letting the other person off the hook. They don't have to deal with you suffering anymore.
My husband's current departure may not be driven by a current affair but that's a big factor into what happened previously. So what if he does come back (which I don't even anticipate much) and I can't maintain that carefree happy demeanor because the pain and memories were never dealt with? Does a cheating, reckless spouse just get off the hook at that point and we just move on?
I guess the DB book stops at the point of them returning and from thereon you need to address all the painful issues once the spouse returns. I'll have to read more of other people's threads to see how it's played out for others.
Sorry this post is kind of scattered but I'm not 100% sure about which DB technique to use, or whether to use any, as I sit and think how this has gone on for years. I know I should just move on regardless but filing for divorce is a specific action that I'd like to consider further.
