Surprised myself again today. W asked me to take my daughter to a pool party and pick her up. my son and i did, and went to the store as well. Due to time and distance, we stayed in town and hung out to gether for a little. She initially said we would all go, but she wanted to take her "walk" which is when she calls OM. initially i was going to say yes to stop the call, and again something Sandi said got thru - stop managing her. |So i did. told her no take your walk me and my boy will go. So we did. inda proud of myself, two opportunities to mess up and i didnt. so far so good.
I have tried to think how to say what I want you to understand. I don't want to take this too far and have you feel I am picking on you. It's a good place for me to touch on this particular topic. I think you are making good changes, and I hope you will continue. Please remind me, does she know that you are aware that she takes these walks as the opportunity to contact the OM? If she knows that you know......then you don't need to run her errands and tell her it's so that she can take her walk. That may sound as if I'm telling you to manage what she does, but I'm not. I am saying that if she knows you are aware of what she's doing on these walks......don't tell her to go ahead while you do something to free up her time, b\c you will never get her respect that way. And, if she doesn't know you are aware....then I'll just say to find a better 180 than running errands for her.....or rescuing her so that she can have more time with OM. B\c it will eventually come out that you knew she was contacting OM on her walks. Especially if she's so bold to say that she doesn't want to miss it. See what I am saying? It is about respect.
Does this sound contradictive from managing her? No, you don't want to manage her, and neither do you want her managing you. Don't go from one extreme to the other. I'm glad you enjoyed your time with your son, and perhaps this was a 180 from your usual actions......but why would you tell her to go on with her walk? I don't get it.
Some H's get confused and try to 180 everything, and become like an unpaid employee. They totally lose all attractiveness b\c they have carried the 180 principle overboard. I'm not saying that you have, I'm just saying to stay balanced in your thinking, okay?
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W and i seem to be getting along better now than before the A. dont get it.\ \
She is not feeling any pressure from you about the affair....or the MR. She is ultimately cake eating. She gets benefits from the M and the affair. She is very close to friend zoning you, if she hasn't already.
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She talks about the family in the future tense - but says she is not open to M repair. and cannot explain whyshe isnt open to repair. dont get that\
Believe nothing a WW says.
Just b\c there is no arguing does not mean the MR is better. On some level it can almost feel " normal", and that becomes a problem. At worst, the H has the misconception he is slowly winning her back. At best, they are friends.
((Hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
