What should I expect and what do I give in return

[Underdog]

Hey Woody,

I know this is key to DBing, not talking R. I've tried a few times in the past 2 weeks to no avail, so I guess maybe its time to forget that and keep on truckin.

R talk IS necessary, but it's the last sentence that tells you this isn't a good idea. At least right now.

I see a whole lot of promise here for you. But I have to say I think you need to do a few things, and do them really well.

Topping the list is patience! You really should not expect this to clear up overnight or even soon. Just accept that this timetable is going to be what is best for you, her and your family. Okay?

Continually fighting her apparent need/desire to figure things out is only going to drive her away. Had I been the one to ask for time and space, I would want someone to respect my wishes.

That does NOT mean there are not consequences for the choices we make. One of them are definitely the financial aspects of this choice. The next time she brings up how hard this is going to be for her, I would suggest stifling any comments like "Well, lady, this is YOUR idea, so YOU figure it out!"

I would recommend a more validating approach... "Gee, honey, I understand. It's going to be really difficult for everyone for awhile. I'll do my very best to support the family while you take the time to discover what is in your heart."

You're not sounding harsh and condeming, but you're not agreeing to do things her way either. You're ensuring your commitment to support rather than attempting to get her to see that you're right. Do you see the difference?

She keeps telling me that we said we would do whats best for our daughter, I beleive whats best is to have her parents together working it out, but she sees it another way obviously. I haven't said that to her directly but maybe I should.

Earlier this week I laid it out plain and clear to her, I said to her my ultimate goal was for us to work on the marriage, be it now or down the road, i have yet to get response to that, I'm thinking she probably thinks I'm sounding redundant and all, but I needed to tell her what my goal was. It helped me alot emotionally to tell her that.

Yep, it's redundant and my guess is that she's going to get angry with you very soon if you don't keep that tongue silent. Believe me, Woody, she KNOWS how you feel. Instead of talking these words, what do you think about SHOWING her these words?

Support her decision to find out what she's made of?

I think it would be great if you could add a little mystery. Someone bumped the mystery ideas thread up in newcomers, so it's easily accessed. In my mind, mystery adds a little ante to get them to think a little harder.

Woody, if you really want to convince your W that you are the guy she can't live without, you're going to need a game plan. I'm a huge fan of making goals. Goals that are short, medium and long term and easily measured. Goals that help you become the guy she wants.

Let's start with her reasons why she felt she couldn't be with you. Michelle says somewhere that there is usually truth to those accusations. What can you work on to SHOW her that you are serious about changing?

I think if you read some threads here in Piecing, you will find that many of these reunited couples have had experiences where the WAS is watching very carefully before committing to reconciling. They are fearful that the changes are only temporary, and they fear failure the most. The possibility of going back to the old marriage scares the heck out of them. If you can eliminate this source of anxiety, it will further your cause more than you'll ever know.

I believe this is the core of the very issue in my own turning point...

Do you mind sharing some goals here with us? You certainly have a whole lot of hope here. I just want you to see that we believe in this process. It works--it really does.

Betsey