Fighting my way out of the dark Part 5

[Holding]

This weekend the boys were out of town on a camping trip, so it was just me and STBXW at the house. What fun!

From reading Clyde's thread and a book I have on splitting from someone with BPD and NPD, I've started to mentally prepare myself for some bad sh1t. I have a feeling there may be a bogus restraining order at some point in the future, so I have a bag packed and ready to go if the cops show up.

I've been talking offline with JoeJoe (awesome dude - we met IRL), and he pointed out that maybe I never really apologized to STBXW for the whole "3rd child issue" ( link for description). Sure, I said I was sorry for what I did (and I am), but JoeJoe wisely pointed out I apologized for my action, not her pain. So I set out to find a way to do so this weekend.

On Saturday morning we talked for about an hour and a half. It was mostly about STBXW's impatience that this D is taking so long. She said she's a prisoner in this M and our house. I reminded her that she's free to leave. She disagreed, since I wouldn't sign her waiver for buying a new house. I can see how entitled and self-centered she is.

At a two different points I ended the conversation and walked out the room, because she kept slipping in accusations and snide comments. Both times, she followed me into the MBR, apologized, and asked me to continue the convo.

I don't remember everything we said, but at one point there was a lull in the convo, so I figured it was time to try out my apology. I spit out "I'm sorry I robbed you of a daughter," mirroring her exact words from BD back to her. She was looking at something when I said it, and she pursed her lips for a second and said, "well, it's too late for me to have kids now. I even asked you if you wanted to adopt and you said no."

Then she tried to get me to apologize for accusing her of cheating, and for "hacking" her phone. It made me wonder if she's actually going to try to use my apologies against me - Doodler, you may be right! I didn't take the bait, just saying I didn't want to discuss it.

She spent a while talking about how she never cheated, and was only talking to friends for support. It's funny she mentioned several people by name, but suspected OM's name never came up.

I also figured I'd directly address her question from a week ago, where she asked why I often leave the room when she was home. I told her I did it because sometimes I didn't want to be around her. I said seeing her was a painful reminder of who she used to be, and it was a slap in the face to see the new her. I told her I was hurting, and I was hurting for my boys. As much as I tried to fight it, I started to get teary eyed.

She said she hasn't changed; she's still the same person. She said I don't see her when she's alone in her room or at work. I agreed, then asked how I would know if I never see any emotion from her. She said she needs to be strong, because otherwise her emotions would make her stay for the kids.

She wrapped up the convo by asking me to talk to my L about moving things along. I said I already did that. I put on some shoes and told her I was getting some lunch. I left.

Part 2 next