Wife Wants to Leave Marriage 6

[hoosjim]

And I am sure my fix it attitude didn't help my MR out at all. But to be honest, I have never looked at my W as a project to fix. Though I agree with the book that I always thought my W had so much potential. But was just brought up in a bad sitch. I wanted to take her from all of that and show her much better. When I bought this house, it wasn't for me. But it was for her and S13. I wanted W to see that she actually deserved to have all of this.

Tread... everyone is different, but as you know I also have a WW, and my own experiences in this have been somewhat eye-opening. I, too, had much the same mindset with my wife when we got married... wanted to "fix" her brokenness, take away her hurt, "protect her and give her everything", "Save" her, even. Turns out, however, that, at least for a good number of women, these things are not "turn ons." And, when your W becomes a WW, they are DEFINITELY not attractive because the WW does not WANT to be fixed/saved/corrected/changed in any way. I can't remember the exact context, but a few months back with my own W I did something (think maybe I showed up to pick her up when she had been drinking) and she told me, somewhat angrily and scornfully "I don't need to be rescued." No thanks, nothing, just "I don't need to be rescued."

Also, want to reiterate what Sandi2 said above about timing... and this goes for all walks of life not just with your W. I, too, have a very strong "fix it" mentality, and also a quick mind that hates to see things messed up and that wants to move QUICKLY to remedy things or address things I see as "issues." Quite frequently this has led to me doing or saying things prematurely or otherwise at less than optimal moments... in all walks of life I have come to see but, most pertinently, WRT my W and our current sitch. Both the DB coach and my IC have been a big help with this. Sometimes, it is best to wait and pick your spots, particularly if you are going to be broaching or discussing something delicate. Can't remember the exact phrasing but my coach has told me a couple of times to think of this rhyme, which can be useful in other contexts as well: "Is what I am about to do or say, going to draw her/him closer or push her/him away?"