Me: Yes or no do you still want Divorce? WW: I don’t know WW: I can’t make that decision right now
Don't temperature check her, ever. You read Sandi's rules every day, right? FOLLOW THEM. That's actually good that she says she doesn't know. But if you keep asking, you will force her into D. So don't ask. Give her time and space.
Originally Posted By: Raysd6
I may need to reclassify WW as MLC
She's not a science experiment. Quit sticking her under a microscope, DBing is about YOU, not her. What happened to those goals you said you were writing out? You skipped over that and went right back to micro-analyzing W.
Quote:
WW: Unfortunately you're controlling ways are not appealing Me: If you could provide recent examples of my controlling ways that would be really helpful for my personal growth
Read the thread on validation again. "You say I was controlling, it sounds like that was very frustrating for you, is that how you felt? I'm sorry I made you feel that way." The irony of your response is it sounds controlling in and of itself, and also sounds like you're challenging her to come up with examples because you don't believe her.
Quote:
WW: Not leaving the house Me: What do you feel I'm trying to control? WW: Refusing to leave "the marital bed". Worst thing you could say Me: I feel differently but I do appreciate you being open and honest with me WW: It is unfortunate that you don't see how detrimental that behavior is
She's trying to guilt you into leaving. Don't fall for it. Again, the beauty of validating is it is NOT explaining/ reasoning/ arguing, negotiating. You just validate her feelings and move on.
Originally Posted By: Raysd6
A few minutes WW texted me an audio file of a voicemail from DD17's attendance office regarding DD17 being absent from one or more classes today.
I got an email with the same message as well as the same voicemail on my cell phone. I'm tempted to respond with "Thanks! I do get the same email and voicemail messages from the attendance office"
I think I'll just leave it alone and not respond.
Possible temp checking?
Actually I think your response would have been fine. And no, this isn't temp checking. It's just her trying to keep you informed on kid stuff. Temp checking would be her asking you something about the relationship, or if you're thinking about dating or something along those lines.
Quote:
Me: That was a work call that I had to take WW: I figured WW: You seem cold and distant though Me: I’m not trying to be either...cold or distant Me: I know you’re busy and you wanted space WW: Ok
You do understand that giving someone space means NOT SAYING STUFF LIKE THAT? I think if you're honest with yourself you said that because you were hoping she'd say "oh I don't want space, I think we need to spend more time together!" You really need to stop with the pressure already!
Quote:
Question though:
I haven’t been cold rather I’ve been treating WW as I would treat a grocery store clerk(shout out to Sandi).
Is this WW temp checking thinking “uh oh, he’s withdrawing”?
Do WWS see that as “cold”?
Ray, I really get the impression you are living in constant fear of doing something wrong. "I said this and she said that, what does it mean?" You've got to look at the big picture and it is this:
- She is DONE. The M is OVER.
- ^^^THAT is how she is going to feel for a LONG TIME, no matter what you say or do.
- Every 180 you do right now is "too little too late" as far as she is concerned, and will actually make her angry because you didn't do the 180's when SHE wanted you to.
- You are doing everything for YOU, not HER. Make yourself the best "you" that you can be and quit worrying about how she interprets it, because right now she doesn't give a crap about you (I know that sounds harsh, but keep in mind that's her -current- mindset, it will change later).
- Really and truly give her time and space. Stop with all these weird temperature checks you're doing. No she hasn't changed her mind. That's months down the road, maybe longer.
- Have a long-term vision. If she changes her mind, it will be a long time from now and it will be because SHE processed her issues. Once she does then you want her to look back and see an awesome you enjoying life without her. Then she might want to recon.
