WAS OR WHAT 10

[roist]

Journaling:

This weekend is our W anniversary. W had plans for the following weekend but due to circumstances it got moved up a week so W won't be here. How do I feel about that? Tbh it doesn't bother me much. I didn't feel like celebrating our anniversary much anyway. I like my W free time so I am looking forward to my weekend with my sons. I will admit that I wasn't overly pleased initially though accepted it immediately as just being the way it is. I examined closely why I disliked it so much. During this I realised I did something similar two years ago. It was unavoidable too plus u was only a year into my journey. I handled the communication badly just as she did this time. Lesson learned. This probably doesn't make sense to readers but I don't have time to outline more. It makes sense to me.

That does however expand on my recent response stating it will be a low key anniversary. I will let W make first move.

That being said, I haven't been happy with my thoughts lately. Nit feeling enthusiastic about W anniversary nor upcoming three year mark of trying to save M. I was focusing on what I didn't have, which never helps. So to get back on track I decided to do that "appreciation day" for W this weekend.It was relatively low key consisting of a note in a card about what I appreciate about her. I did end it by saying that i wanted to show her with more than words so i invited her to ask me to do anything. Plus a few scratch cards with photos of stuff she liked that we could buy/do if she won. These were given at three different times over the weekend.

My first comment about this is that it seemed right to me. I immediately got a huge benefit from thinking and listing all I appreciated. It changed my focus. Beforehand I was annoyed and adamant that if things continued that this would be our last anniversary. This exercise didn't erase that thinking but dramatically shifted my thinking and I prefer the resulting mind frame.

Ironically how W reacted was secondary to me and I had no expectations either way. My W's reaction was quite!No huge reaction.But over weekend there were some subtle changes, mostly in a good way. There was also an increase in negative comments about stuff not being done "right". I overlooked the delivery and saw it as her asking for something in her own way! Though once or twice I rephrased her comments positively and asked if that's what she was saying. She did ask me to do one specific job, which I did. We also discussed house projects that we mentioned before but have let slid. Looks like we are going to be working together on those shortly.

I am still actively GAL too and am increasingly out doing my activities, including some late nights. On the rare nights W is out late, I notice it hits home harder the distance between us. I don't dwell on it as much but it is noteworthy. Won't do any harm for her to go to bed alone a few times!!

Got to go work.

Best wishes