A fresh start? (probably not!)

[malikdh]

I Basically think we all don't have to face all these deceit and lies from our spouse and partners...in a
case of mine when i got sick and tired of all the lies and deceit so I disclosed a spy which works to look somebody text messages,online access and carry out other hacking services.

It was a wonderful experience.

Edit
External links not allowed, cadet

[Tread]

Malikdh,

Think I am a bit confused. You disclosed a spy what?

Edit - Tread - he may be a spammer - I am not sure though. - Cadet

[CW2017]

Looks v similar to "posts" you quite often see on spyware sites. My lawyer is certainly against that sort of thing as she always tries to keep things amicable

[CW2017]

OK I now have proof of a cake eating situation unfortunately. My W went out with her girlfriends last night. As she got pretty inebriated I thought this would be a good opportunity for some light touch checking for "mistakes". No intention of looking at cell messages (as stated here previously) but I did see some instant messaginging going on with the OM during the evening. Rather depressingly she was sharing the same messages between the two of us.

So I guess what is now needed is the "final" confrontation. I will of course need some concrete evidence for this so I will just bide my time. This was always going to be the plan i.e. a long term campaign (if I can summon the appetite; this sitch is an exact match for one of Huizenga's scenarios). The sad thing is it did not have the shock value of old (my gut had been telling me as much anyway). So the 20th anniversary bash, the idyllic holiday counted for nought. And not to mention the MC (had to start that as that was the immediate agreement after the previous confrontation and of course I was assured she would stop the A, hmm). The poor thing is clearly deeply in love.

So what to do? If I go down the shock and awe exposure route it would of course be held against me (at least in the short time). In exposing to her family, this may well finish off the frail live in mother (and my W knows this) so that's a heavy burden. My DD is of course the main focus (and the only reason I have not filed thus far). So as I see it, here in the UK I have the options of stay here ("open", for the DD's sake), legal agreement (one of us moves out, with all the finances agreed), legal separation and D (the last two involving lawyers).

This is such a shame to say the least as we are more close now than we've ever been. But what an ego boost to have two people making a fuss eh?

arrrgh!

[CW2017]

So one week on am still a bit unsure about how to proceed. Had a bit of an uncomfortable moment yesterday when she asked me if I wanted to go to her works fancy dress Halloween party. I hope she doesn't mention it again. Does she really want me to go there in the literal sense? Anyway we had a very nice meal tonight so the double life continues.

[NicoleR]

Hi CW,

I can only say that two of the three marriage counselors I've seen over the years have encouraged me to check on what my husband is doing (phone, e-mail, etc.) and I did many times (he was cheating). Then two years ago I was exhausted and didn't want to know anymore. I guess you reach a point where you burn out. Still, I feel like two married people shouldn't have to hide anything from each other and if you want to check every so often (like once or twice a year) that would be better than wondering forever if you're missing something. One of the worst feelings is to act loving toward your spouse and not know if you're making a fool out of yourself if there's someone else in the picture. That is really great though to read your messages and see that you and your wife reunited. I wish so much my husband would want that.

[CW2017]

Hi Nicole
thank you for your kind comments and I hope and pray your H sees sense. As I have discovered no matter which way I end up playing this sitch it is a long process. Either my W lets her "thing" fizzle out over time or a mistake is made on her part at some point which will leave her open to a maelstrom of bad feeling on all fronts. As we are supposed to be more open now I would have to ensure through dialogue that there will never be OM2, OM3... As it stands it appears on the surface at least that we are back to normal but all is not what it seems. As Parkema said when he was commenting on my sitch in his own thread if I am indeed in a cake eating situation this could in principle carry on indefinitely if I don't act on it at some point.

[NicoleR]

CW, I still just wonder how people who have affairs do it with so little shame. That is really sad for you dealing with this after 20 years of marriage. This should be a stable time in your life and you'd think your wife would be focused on you and your daughter. I hope one day she wakes up and realizes what she's done and stops completely.

[CW2017]

I have this awful feeling she will only snap out of the fog only once something dramatic happens and she ends up at a low point, as Sandi says in her general advice. As we have in theory 40 more years together I will have to decide whether this can all be worked through, as well as her menopause!

[Holding]

CW, I still just wonder how people who have affairs do it with so little shame.

I think they're able to do it because they've justified it in their mind. They've built a narrative where they are the real victim.

Of course, it's all BS.