Husband gone for second time - new here

[Sotto]

I must admit, I agree with kml about the worrying long term pattern of consistently needing the inappropriate contact alongside his main R. It does signify a problem that may be more deep seated, and how willing and able he may be to try and change that - IDK?

I'm reminded of a good friend of mine who was married for a few years to a guy and discovered an A and ongoing contact with various women during their M - even on their honeymoon actually - yikes! They recovered from this once and then the behaviour started up again - second time around, she had reached her limit and they D'd. She is now happily dating a new guy couple of years later. Now I don't advocate divorce, and this is a marriage saving site. But there are two messages in here. One is - however things unfold, you will reach a happy place again if you put in gentle and consistent effort. Two is - personal boundaries - critical in a situation like yours. What are you willing to live with and what aren't you willing to live with. One of my biggest 'learns' has been to ask myself - is this working for me? And What do I need to do to look after myself in this situation?

You may want to have a look at psy Sara's thread as I thought of this when reading your post too. I tried hard to save our marriage, but it did end in divorce. However, the big thing I really don't miss is that state of anxiety around whether XH was in touch with OW again (he was..) I don't ever want to live like that again - it's miserable - and it is perfectly reasonable for you, for anyone, to have a rock solid boundary on this.

All of this means I don't think an early reconciliation is a good thing to aim for in your situation. I think it will be best for you to start rebuilding your life after your separation and just let the dust settle with him. In my friend's case, her XH asked if they could try again after D - and she wasn't interested. Undiagnosed depression was her take on what happened with him, and the contact with OPs was a distraction and way of not facing those internal issues. I think your H would need to willing to face up to whatever underlying cause leads to this behaviour and seek therapy to address it.

Hope this helps a little anyway Nicole. Chin up, extend yourself with new activities and invest in getting your new place looking nice...leave your H to twist in the wind just now and step back a little... I'll keep looking in on you..