MLC or WAS... either way, I'm here

[LAJar]

Own, peace and Sotto - Glad to have your thoughts.

Own,

I am at the same point as you are on the D. Although my H has filed, he's not taken the proper steps to move this forward. I'm still not sure why this is since he now has a L to tell him this. While I like my IC, I don't know that he agrees with standing or even simply just not moving D forward. What he continues to point out to me is my lack of control and this is the one things I can control for my own sanity. When he brought it up at my last appt., I literally sobbed. I'm going to have to see where this goes. You're right, I'm just not ready yet. It is too soon and I may be there with some more time, but right now, I'm not.
Not speaking to OW1 and speaking to her both required strength.
I'm sincerely glad to hear about your son. I think the acknowledgment is half the battle. I didn't always have the greatest marriage example from my parents, but since I married, it is always something I have been of... I just needed a partner that also made an effort to be self-aware.

peace,

I thought when he filed 10 days after leaving, D would come within 6-7 months. Not so. It's 2.5 months since he filed w/out service and while I'm trying to hold strong on this, I just keep on thinking - 3 months since leaving and another 6 months for D, then 4 mos. since leaving & another 6 mos. for D. When does it end? I don't want to date before the D, but I feel like I'm stopping life if he never comes back. With that being said, I am like you and I want to leave this R with no regrets. I think that shows a lot of integrity and promise for future R's, both romantic and platonic.

Sotto,

Thank you for coming to my thread. It's so important to hear again how walking away when you're ready, helps to keep your integrity, heart and soul in tact. I have to remind myself that I need to do this on my own timeline and no one else's. I am processing all of this and will get there eventually, but being able to handle what's coming is what's right for me.

Overall I'm getting through and for our 14 years together, 3 months isn't enough to pack up and walk away yet. While I'm working on moving forward, I'm just not ready to move on yet.

Just journaling... Friday was a really weird day for me. There were a bunch of odd coincidences, signs, moments that were smashing my face into my situation. Right before I left to a meeting, I was looking for something in my work desk and found a letter from H to S when he graduated from high school (8 years ago). He wrote about how proud he was of S, was happy to be in his life and many more things. He ended it by saying he was happy to be his dad. It was a rusty knife in my heart. At meeting, our organization has had some very high profile sexual harassment issues with heads of departments (a la Harvey Weinstein), the head of organization was written about how he allegedly handled one of those situations. At meeting he got up to speak and he said with all recent issues, "we are being tested" then went on to say how he knows we'll persevere and in 6 months time or so, we will get through and will look back to where we were and will be in a different place. It resonated not only with those statements, but in what I have been thinking/feeling about poor choices that have far-reaching impact. I feel that those in MLC do this. They negatively compound already emotional, mental situations with poor choices. Then I went to the gym and heard a song (slow one at that) that I've listened to since BD. Never heard it there before and all of a sudden I did. It's not a popular song either. Finally, was watching trashy reality TV and there was a poignant scene where someone's mother had passed. The DIL was promising MIL she would watch over son and take care of him. When my MIL was passing, I promised MIL I'd always take care of H. It was just one thing after another that afternoon. Then to see H's social media and happy pics w/ OW. I have to say, I dealt with it, but it wasn't easy either. Too many odd reminders/coincidences in such a short period.

To what next week brings. I hope you all have a great weekend. Cheers to happy, strong women, who persevere through much adversity.