I dont like him, Im not going to hang out with him, but I know that no matter what my opinion is, he is in my children's lives. If they have a soccer game or a dance recital or a parent teacher conference, he is going to be there. Me suggesting I will never meet him is just putting my head in the sand.
^^^^^^^ I agree 1000% but something I try not to think about in my own sitch I will deal with it when/if it happens but at some point in time we all have to realize whether it is the AP or another man several years later if we don't reconcile it is going to happen!
My exH left me for OWW when our daughter was 6 months old. Limerance never ended, they have been married for 6 years.
As a new mother and a betrayed spouse, I wanted that woman no where near my baby. Of course it didn't work. I also did not want my baby alone with her, I think he might have stuck by that.
I did not meet her until AFTER they were married, when my D10 was about 3 or 4 I guess it was. exH had to have surgery and couldn't come down the stairs of his apartment to get her, so I had to do the exchange with her, rather than him. I was far removed enough from the situation to handle it. From there on, she came to my daughter's events, etc. We are now friendly.
I had the "luxury" of my child not understanding why I wouldn't see her for a while. but I knew the day would come where I would have to be able. What I have been able to give my child is the gift of her being comfortable in all of our presences at once. I do it for that reason. I also do it because it was too exhausting for ME to stand on some moral soapbox refusing to meet her because of what she did. It wasn't going to change the situation either way, the damage has been done. I can look her in the eye knowing for myself what she did and she has to look in the mirror everyday. And now that she has gotten to know me, I think it is harder for her, rather than feeling "forgiven" Why? because I was probably made out to be some miserable b!tch by my ex. She sees I am a funny, sweet, thoughtful persona and a great mother. She had has face reality. I bet for all those years it was so much easier not having to stare the reality of what she did in the face.
That being said, perhaps at this stage it is too early for you. But you do have to explain it to your kids. What Rose suggested to say I think is perfect. It will put your son at some ease.
Hang in there. I know you don't want to face the possibility of this affair not petering out. But it is a possibility. But we will cross that bridge if it comes to it.
Right now, DBing your W shouldn't be your priority. Right now DBing for yourself and your kids should be. To manage this situation as it is right now. Right now, she is living with another man has left the marriage. You need to live life in your reality right now.
Sorry Zues, I have too much time on my hands at work. I have brought you back over to the darkside, and I am glad I did because you have a lot to offer.
IMO, you might have to think about dropping the D papers. At least think about it as an option. I think you are looking at D as the end of you'll relationship. But she went on a 5 day trip with OM, and you didn't object. She moved OM in your home did you object. I'm scared to give you this advice, because you want to keep the door open, and I think you think D is closing that door, but it's not. It's a piece of paper. You are holding on the a W, that don't want to be held on to, at least in her mind right now.
You are doing a lot of mind reading. We all do it, but if you are going to get better, you have to let her go completely.
Her respect for you is at an all time low. Do you still pay a mortgage at the house your family stays in?
IMO, I don't think your wife thinks you will walk away from her (let her go completely). She stills thinks she can hold on to you. You have to take that away from her somehow. How can you do that? And do it with love.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
IMO, you might have to think about dropping the D papers. At least think about it as an option. I think you are looking at D as the end of you'll relationship. But she went on a 5 day trip with OM, and you didn't object. She moved OM in your home did you object. I'm scared to give you this advice, because you want to keep the door open, and I think you think D is closing that door, but it's not. It's a piece of paper. You are holding on the a W, that don't want to be held on to, at least in her mind right now.
I dont see getting divorced as a way of increasing her respect for you. And Im not sure what there is to object to --> how does saying "I dont agree with you going on vacation with OM" do anything?
In my opinion, having this attitude of "being there for her" is what is leading to the disrespect. She can do whatever she wants and she knows that you are there as a safety net. If she has a problem, she has your shoulder to cry on before going back to life with OM.
Thats why everyone is pushing for you to go less contact. I know you arent initiating and thats good. But how can you amp it up?
Originally Posted By: joejoe1
IMO, I don't think your wife thinks you will walk away from her (let her go completely). She stills thinks she can hold on to you.
EXACTLY this.
I dont believe that she has any reason to end the R with OM while this is true.
Regarding objecting to anything it would make absolutely no difference to her whatsoever. I feel due to my DR'ing and getting BETTER at detaching sparked this episode, she's lost me she's worried that her plan b is getting on with his life there's not much more I can do to GAL that I'm not already doing.
The contact has to happen due to my situation I CAN'T CHANGE THIS. This is her trying to gain control back and me sticking up for my boundaries that's all.
Yes I am available if I have my boys with me for her and can understand how she can see this as me being there for her, well so be it BUT I never chase she does I just remain USUALLY in control and happy showing someone moving on.
How I look at this panning out and everybody's views about that might be contributing to her disrespect please see above ^^^^^^^ I can't do any more!
I believe people leave bad for good NOT the opposite way around I intend to be the good.
I see myself out of her life now that's obvious but the dynamics change when she needs to have contact with the boys. < This I use to my advantage BUT when I'm alone I GAL never contact and do all the DRing principles.
I intend to no longer allow her disrespectful ways to affect me and will stand up for what I believe.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I believe people leave bad for good NOT the opposite way around I intend to be the good.
I believe that sometimes they leave something they think is bad for something they think is good. And sometimes, just sometimes, they manage to pull their heads out of their a$$es and realise that bad wasn't all that bad after all. Hang in there Mark.
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
This all sounds good, but what specifically do you intend to do differently to avoid a repeat of the argument from yesterday?
Imagine she opens the conversation in the same way. What will you do next time?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
That’s a good question, she basically ignored my request to leave my house and continued I would have had to get physical and that’s NEVER going to happen.
I need to learn to step back when she pushes and defuse the argument by not giving her any subject to follow on from, does that make sense? I basically need to recognise she wants a reaction and instead of falling for it just agree and dissipate the anger by letting her basically win! What I mean by winning is that NOT being a doormat but also not allowing her to grab hold of something I say and use it against me. In a way be there but NOT be there!!!
Just act neutral… To be honest I don't think this will happen as us coming F2F again is not very likely it was that bad! I wont go through that again.
M.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I will deal with it when/if it happens but at some point in time we all have to realize whether it is the AP or another man several years later if we don't reconcile it is going to happen!