This is my first time posting. I was looking for an online community and am happy to find this one. I bought the DB book a few years ago and it made a difference in my situation. It seems like a lot of online groups just go straight to telling each other to end their marriages but here it looks like there's more analysis and support.
My situation is a bit different than many of yours because I married a guy from the Middle East and I'm originally from the US. There are cultural and religious differences. I sponsored my husband's visa to come here and supported him initially until he started his career. My husband came from a repressed and dysfunctional society although he adjusted quickly here and embraced his American freedom.
We married nine years ago after knowing each other for almost two years before marriage. For the first five or six years (before and during marriage) we had a wonderful relationship. We met in our late twenties and supported each other in our careers, were accepted by each other's families, and had many mutual friends. It seemed like our days were filled with love and laughter.
The only sign that something was wrong was my husband's questionable communications with an ex-girlfriend and e-mails and text messages I found where he was asking women for coffee or just generally being in touch with women I didn't know, who he didn't mention. There was no sign a full affair, but eventually I confronted him about his ex-girlfriend and he was really upset that I had discovered it and broke his trust. I felt he'd broken my trust by not disclosing the communication and he felt he was entitled to talk to her. We went to marriage counseling and the situation got somewhat resolved.
Our days were still, for the most part, good for a long period of time. Then my husband was accepted into a program in another city and we moved for the first time. Within a few weeks of moving my husband was going out alone, with new friends, and drinking alcohol which he hadn't done before. I saw from our shared phone bill many text messages to a number that I checked online and found it was a woman. He totally changed - he would come and go and say it was none of my business where he was. He'd stay out all night and wouldn't answer his phone. He said he wanted to move out but didn't find a place that he liked so for weeks we were still living together under these conditions.
I was so confused and shocked I could barely think at that time. I was frozen. It was like my husband changed overnight. Then, as quickly as it happened, he came back one day, apologized deeply for everything and said he loved me and wanted to work things out. We moved to another city and everything became great and normal again.
We had a child and went through a time when we were both pushed to our limits trying to survive caring for our child and the stress of our careers. About 1.5 years after having our child we were supposed to go on vacation and my husband said he wanted to go alone. We had already booked our plans months earlier so I said that would be difficult, so he came. But clearly something was wrong. When we returned he went away for a weekend and then I found out he had both a girlfriend in the city where we lived and he drove far away to visit his ex-girlfriend. At the same time he was on many dating sites. He announced he was moving out and felt nothing for me anymore.
Suddenly I was alone with a baby while my husband was out enjoying his freedom with all the women he was dating. It was the worst time of my life. That's when I bought some books, including the DB book, because I felt we were headed towards divorce but I also couldn't process how I'd survive or how it could end that way. My husband had been so great. I went to a counselor who said he see's this often when people have kids and that my husband would be back, but I'd have to decide the rules when he returns.
I didn't cut-off contact with my husband but amidst the tears and weight loss I pretended we were having fun when he called or visited and within a very short time, just a few weeks, my husband sounded very depressed and sad. After eight weeks he came home one night saying he was so depressed, he was so sorry, he couldn't live without his family, and he just wanted to come home. I told him we'd have to do a lot of work to fix what would happened if he came back. He said yes, he agreed, but he needed to do x, y, and z for his career in order to salvage it and then we'd focus on fixing things. I agreed to be just roommates until that happened.
Somehow the roommate situation lasted over a year and every month or so I'd go to my husband's room and ask if we could talk about a plan to fix things or end living together. He'd always stare blankly at the wall. When I pushed too much he'd say "don't make me angry, leave me alone, etc.."
Finally I got him to see a psychologist alone. He didn't say much about it. I went to the same psychologist separately and the psychologist said my husband accepted blame for what he'd done, spoke highly of me, but doesn't know what he wants or where he's headed in life.
I asked my husband to return to the psychologist again and after the second time he came home that night and said he wanted to live separately again to "find himself" and to see if he's miserable because of me or because of a problem with himself. Who knows if that's true of if there's just another woman in his life, but on September 1st we moved to separate places.
At first he was coming over every day. He did many nice things for me which he hadn't done in years, including cleaning out my car, buying supplies for my new apartment, setting stuff up, and paying for everything. He would call and come over like everything was normal, but it wasn't. I found my daughter and I were always waiting for him to come and then sometimes he'd be busy and wouldn't come. I realized quickly that this had to stop. As the psychologist said, my husband would take the path of least resistance and enjoyed "having his cake and eating it too." The psychologist suggested becoming more independent and said that'd be best for me and for helping my husband be attracted to me again if that were ever to happen.
I had kind of forgotten about DB and the 180 rule until finding this website and forum, but it made sense as I drafted a separation agreement for my husband to sign which said we'd only talk about financial issues and issues related to our child. He signed it and now he comes three nights per week to take our child out. This has been the situation for two weeks now.
When my husband comes he asks how I'm doing and tries to talk but I just give short answers and don't really express any emotion. I haven't contacted him at all aside to confirm the time he's coming for our child.
I forgot to mention that my husband has said many things since moving out like "let me finish the house (that he started building for us) and we'll have a serious conversation about fixing things" or "let us have six months apart to save our marriage." He also offered for us to move back in with him to see for ourselves that he's not dating anyone else.
I don't know. I guess what I'm wondering is whether this new effort to cut off contact is appropriate for our situation? It seems like there have to be boundaries but sometimes it feels like it's just expediting the process of ending the marriage rather than creating an opportunity to save it. So far in the last two weeks my husband hasn't said anything new about trying to work things out.
I'm sure the easiest thing to do is consider the marriage to be over and move on. The hardest part though is that my husband does seem to be going through a phase of being lost, like a mid-life crisis, and it still seems like he'll snap back at some point. I still remember our happy times and it's so hard to move on.
I'd appreciate any input and I'll reach out to other members and respond to their posts about their situations too. I look forward to contributing here!
