How a treehouse can cost you your marriage

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Yes I understand the W was not happy w/ the M, during MC I changed most of what she voiced,

I listen to a weekly women's podcast and one of the things I hear them repeat a lot is "It isnt my job to tell you what to do every time something needs to be done." In this week's episode, they were venting about their husbands asking for reminders on the schedule day by day.

The reason I bring this up is that I am sure that the things that came up in MC that she wanted you to change werent new. And Im sure that it wasnt an exhaustive list. If she listed 5 things and you did exactly those and no more, no less, then it isnt sincere and it isnt lasting.

YOU need to be the one to reflect and dig to identify the things you want to do proactively...whether she sees it or not.

For example, what are you doing to sustainably change your daily routine so that you arent working 60-100 hour weeks? What are you doing about your attitude in the off times? and so on. It doesnt matter if or when she sees it - these are changes YOU need to decide to have successful relationships going forward.

During the last couple months she was still in the house I was doing a lot more around the house, from laundry, to cooking and grocery shopping. I know I still have a long way to go as far as being the best H I can be, but am more than willing to put in the work, and acknowledge my shortcomings.

Are you? In the very next post, you go into how most of the situation isnt your fault?

Where is the detail of your internal audit? Where is your checklist for what YOU are going to do different / better?

By the way, Sandi talks a lot about 'super husband mode' where the H does all of the housework to show how helpful he can be. She points out that this is often a backwards step as it reinforces a lack of respect from a WW. I know it's too late for that advice to really mean anything, but just a tip for the future.

She has told me the hours I work and what is left of me at the end of the day was an issue, (as a matter of fact in our recent discussions she has said that was one of the main issues along with the uncertainty of me being self employed). That being said, when it did come up in the past she would also acknowledge that we really had no choice.

There is ALWAYS a choice. You just collectively decided this was the best choice. But Ill bet if you went back and looked at it, youd see other options and maybe a different one was more desirable. For example, maybe you each work a typical 9-5 job and come away with a similar pay, but the workload is more balanced and the overall mood in the house is better? I dont know.

But let's say by chance she does come back. What would be different going forward?

I thought we were both on the same page at that point in that when she finished her schooling she would have new work opportunities taking some of the load off me.

I know you dont see it yet, but in your writing, you drop hints like this that give a lot of insight into your opinion of the division of labor in the house. You say you didnt do any real amount of housework until 'the last couple months', but at the same time, you are expecting her to do more in order to 'take the load off of you'. Where is the plan for you to take some of the home load off of her? Like I said in previous posts, it reads like you value her contributions less. You say you dont, but if Im picking it up several times within a few paragraphs, how do you think she perceived your attitude and comments?

That was clearly not the case as she asked for the D the same month she graduated. A few days after she mentioned the D I sat down with her and suggested we sell the house, BK what debt we were able to, I would get a 9 - 5, and if it meant we had to live in an apartment then so be it, lets simplify things. She wanted no part of that plan.

See? Options!

I am sure her frustration is that it took until she was ready to work out the door for you to make this kind of offer. What about all of the months in between the treehouse and MC and this point?

I don't know how i will GAL at this point, I have the kids 50% of the time, and getting as many hours in as I can when I don't have them. I know I need to find a way though.

Maybe it's time to consider a more sustainable path? If you cant GAL now....it wont get any easier in the future.