I believe that your rejection of suitors is rooted in the fear that you'll be hurt like this again, and you do *not* want that to happen and are protecting yourself from it by drawing yourself into your shell.
Unfortunately, this protectionist strategy is making you depressed, so it is not sustainable!
At some point, you will need to take chances on trusting people again, particularly men. This will be an enormously scary leap of faith, like jumping out of an airplane. It will always be 100% easier to take a step back than it will be to take a step forward.
Am I telling you to give up on your husband and run out and start dating? No. But I am suggesting that you need to GAL much more than you are currently, and you need to do it in the context of making some platonic friendships with men that you can learn will not hurt you. Then decide what you want from there.
Thank you for this prospective. I probably am protecting myself to a degree. I don't trust that I won't be hurt and I don't trust other's motives. There are two men is my office who have described that they picked their second wife partly because she had assists to bring to the table. I don't want someone to pick me because of what I can provide. It is scary. I'd rather leave it all to my estranged H who will at least use it for the kids.
Drawing into my shell also comes from wanting to protect the people I meet. I've made platonic friendships and the guys are usually there because they hope for more. I feel the weight and pressure of their hopefulness and It's too much for me. If they're good guys I feel bad that I'm not on the same page.
Regarding the leap of faith, I think it's interesting that I can see the path towards forgiving and trusting H much more clearly than the path of trusting a stranger.
Me 45 H 46 At bomb T 22 M 13 D14 S12
H fell in love 2/14 H moved out 11/14 H bought a house 8/15 Legal sep 9/15, final 12/15 - I filed No moves toward D
