Always a pleasure reading your updates Benni. It always gives me good needed perspective and staying focused on the true motivations for DBing.
I have a question.
Quote:
Even though it was only an hour – things would happen, let’s say for example she spilled something while making a coffee. Previously before all this happened I would have rolled my eyes and made her feel like she was a naughty child. When it happened this time, I looked up, acknowledged what had happened and quietly carried on what I was doing.
If I remember, one of the issues you had identified in your sitch was that you would be quick to get annoyed and angry. Even small things like spilling coffee. Now, it is one thing to not react outwardly towards your W and show that you're cool about things now. But what did you do to come to a place of acceptance internally? Like you're not just chill with her about what happened outwardly, but you must also have done some internal work to not freak out about it without showing it to her face.
So, I am curious about the lasting internal changes that you have been working on. It's not just a change of mindset, but truly coming to realize that in the grand scheme of things, these incidents are small and not worthy of the reactions you were having previously.
I have some similar issues and I can fake being chill when such things happen, but internally, I am still WTF? lol. I want to be internally chill as well.
Two things that have helped me.
First I ask myself if the issue is worth ending my marriage over. (BD was a real perspective changer for me.)
Then I ask myself if I feel strongly enough about the issue that I am willing to take over the chore 100% for forever.
If I acknowledge that my answer to both questions is no, then it's hard to stay irritated. After all, if it were truly a big issue, I would answer yes to the second question.
This applies to cases where I am tempted to control how H does something. It's not how I approach communication issues or things like that.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
