How a treehouse can cost you your marriage

[Sotto]

Hi Clyde, just reading Another Stander's thoughtful post above - I wondered if it might be helpful to read the book His Needs Her Needs. It was a real eye opener to me how different the needs of guys and gals are in relationships. I read the gal stuff and completely identified with it. Then I read the guy stuff and I thought - really??

It certainly gave me some food for thought about how I would approach a future relationship. Working long hours was mentioned and I've certainly seen that before on the forum. Guys in good faith and feeling like they are supporting their spouse and families - providing - but of course working those kinds of hours also means absence and lost time together. It's a tough balance I think..

Sounds like you are getting some wise advice from posters. I agree with AS - yes, your W may have done some stuff - and that's on her and up to her. Is she I'll? Will she change and repent? Who knows. She is a person with free will, and she will do what she will. You have limited influence there - although DBing can help you survive this. But it helps by focusing on you - the part where you have 100% control. Cope, survive - thrive.

I can remember reading about the DBing approach when I was in a deep pit. XH had left and was with OW and I remember thinking - what do I do now??!! how can I fix this??!!

I liked that DBing is a win - win approach. You cannot lose. Either you will successfully get to the other side of this and go on to live a happily single life, or start a new R from a healthy place - or your spouse will choose to return to a 'better' relationship. Either way, you win..

I remember the penny dropping - okay I fix me. Fixing me may fix this - but either way I'm fixed & that's good. That's where to focus. We are all individuals with many talents, flaws and baggage - often from childhood and these are great places to look at.

Best of luck to you