Any Advice 3

[sandi2]

The mindset she currently has is so far from what most logical minded men "think" it is, that it's staggering. Just for a small example, the WW in an A may stop undressing in front of her H. She may not let him see her naked in the shower. It's b\c in her mind...she's being "faithful" to the OM. On the other hand, when she thinks she may be losing control over her H's emotional attachment to the relationship, she's just as likely to tempt test him by parading around provocatively dressed....or wearing nothing at all.

I have never, as of yet, seen a WW tell her H, "Here's what it will take to repair the damage in our MR. If you fix these areas, then we can save the M. If he asks for reasons why she isn't happy in the M, or whatever, she'll usually give an insignificant reason, , or too general, or a laundry list of complaints that may sound somewhat reasonable to some H's......but she is not telling him the real source of the problem. Therefore, he is completely distracted by her so-called excuses, and he tries to correct those issues without success. A small example..... she may tell him he didn't help her enough with the housework. So, the H dives into housework, but it doesn't solve the problem. He gets distracted by the hands-on type of things she complains about, when her problem is within her wayward mindset. Before he can expect to have a good MR, he will have to approach her from the real issues. The real issues are resentment, disrespect, and rebellion.

If my H had asked me, I would have said, " How much time do you have?". I would have started from the beginning of our M and griped all the way through to the BD date. But to summarize, I still would not be saying the words plain enough for him to get it. I had tried for years to tell him, and he never "got it" b\c I talked around the issue instead of plainly telling him.

For the WW, it usually starts with unfulfilled expectations, and leads to resentments about her H. If those resentments are not resolved or desolved....she keeps them in her heart. Eventually, those resentments will cause her to feel disrespect for her H. Her respect for him is tied to her feelings of loving desire & attraction for him as a man and as her H. In many cases, the sexual intimacy begins to slack off and eventually becomes nonexsistant. Not all cases, but many. In time, they are just going through the motions of M life, raising a family, working, trying to cope with the stressors in life, etc, However, her emotional needs are still going unmet and if she cannot find a healthy way to deal with it, she is left vulnerable to an A. I don't mean to imply that she is stupid and is snatched away unwillingly by some other man. Neither am I implying that she plans or intentionally goes into an A thinking it is a way to really hurt her H. (Perhaps an exception would be a revenge A). Yes, she "knows" it will hurt him, if he finds out....but at the point she enters into an A, she has developed the wayward mentallity to the level her selfishness takes over and she justifies smaller actions up to greater offenses. Although she "knows" it is wrong, her once higher standards take a back seat to the demands of her illogical, immoral, uncharacteristic emotions that are taking full charge.

You have to realize the WW has, often, carried around that resentment and disrespect for quiet a while....or maybe many years. It finally turns to rebellion in some fashion. Here on the board, we mostly see rebellion acted out in GGW behavior or in having affairs, or both. Waywardness begins in the heart of the mind that negatively grows and produces some type of overt wayward action. Some may be more subtle, and some are more brazen.

Back to her complaints, I have not seen many WW's who would tell the H, "Look, I have resented you handled things as a man....or didn't handle it like a man should (in her opinion). I no longer respect you as a man.....and certainly not as my H". Let me note here that many women will tell the H she is no longer attracted to him. It really hurts him, understandably.
However, her lack of attraction began with the emotional or mental summary in which she saw him.....if that makes sense. He may, or may not, have lost his physical good looks. He could look great, but her mental attraction toward him has succumb to her wayward mindset. A woman who feels bitterness and disrespect toward a man is usually not going to want to eat him up with kisses. Not unless she is very high drive, and if that be the case, then the WW is " using him" in the bedroom for her own sexual needs, and not based on feeling and sharing love for him .

I hope I didn't repeat myself too much in this post. Maybe it will help someone.