I understand why you got rid of the old threads, but it's sad to see the valuable resource of what can happen when you actually invest in the program go away.
In any case, keep on keeping on and I wish you good luck moving forward.
She started it all. She was done. She had lent the money to buy me out - it was serious.
But LBS have to realise that they really don't want to be doing this. They don't want to break up. But feel they have no choice.
The time in-between is an opportunity to make them second guess their decision.
I used that meeting time, to be upbeat, smiley, and ready for the future with or without her.
When she is coming round with papers.. she is expecting you to cry and grovel.. when I didn't do that and was happy to go along with things it took her by surprise a little.
A few weeks later she asked if we can spend some time together, from that moment on I made it my mission, never to ask about R, never not to be seen sad or depressed and be decisive.
Once the trust started to come back I still carried on with DB techniques, but allowed them to drift back to a more normal interaction method when I could sense her feeling more comfortable
I understand why you got rid of the old threads, but it's sad to see the valuable resource of what can happen when you actually invest in the program go away.
In any case, keep on keeping on and I wish you good luck moving forward.
Im so glad you commented.. along with AnotherStander you are the reason I am here today. Seriously I cant thank you enough
I used that meeting time, to be upbeat, smiley, and ready for the future with or without her.
When she is coming round with papers.. she is expecting you to cry and grovel.. when I didn't do that and was happy to go along with things it took her by surprise a little.
A few weeks later she asked if we can spend some time together, from that moment on I made it my mission, never to ask about R, never not to be seen sad or depressed and be decisive.
I think this is one thing that most LBS'ers lose sight of. The WW has a certain expectation of how they think we should feel. I believe that if we act how they think we should then that re-enforces to them that they made the right decision.
Obviously it still takes two to make the MR work and continue but this dynamic is very important IMO.
In my sitch, I just got fed up with my W nonsense and got a lawyer to do the paperwork. Have not filed yet. But your story gives me some hope. My mentality aftwr ahe moved out is if she comes back, then we'll see what happens. If not, then I am prepared to move on. The fear of losing my W is gone for the most part. The toughest part is not knowing where exactly you stand. Because I still ask myself is there more I could be doing?
But it sounds as if you simply just stepped away and moves on. Focusing on yourself. Not sure what your W was doing at this time. But somehow it sparked her interest. So are you still married?
I didnt care what she was doing. She was gone. This was my life now and i had sort it out.
The problem with most LBS is that they change to get the WAS back and are constantly looking for the WAS reaction. If they dont show the desired reation they throw their toys out the pram and go back to square one.
B- Great job of working on yourself, your mindset, your attitudes that seem to be bringing your WAW back into MR.
Not to rain on your parade - we're all happy for you - let's be honest: THE MAIN REAL REASON B's W is willing to go on dates, sleep over, going to in-laws, think and talk about their future together, etc so quickly and openly is because THERE IS NO OM in the picture.
His W is a WAW, not a WW. Sounds like she possibly wasn't even a true WAW; just wanted to teach him a lesson and turn him around which he did very well. I bet 80-90% of guys here would've been in a similar sitch if they had a W like B's instead of cold-hearted WWs whose main goal now is to try to build a new life with the "soulmate" "best friend" OM. Our WWs don't get the opportunity to see our changes b/c there're no dates or spending time together - they don't want or ask for that. More importantly they probably don't even GAF about any of our changes b/c the OM presently occupies their entire head space, fulfills their emotional and physical needs, and whispers about their dreamy future together.
Of course, it will most likely change for most of us with WWs when their reality catches up w them at some point but I don't think B's timeline of 6-7 months is even remotely realistic. I'm almost 9 months into it and my communication with WW is practically non-existent except a few min per week during kid exchanges.
We're told on this and other boards to not worry about OMs b/c they're not the root of the problem but a consequence. I personally don't; to me he doesn't exist and occupies zero head space BUT I think B's sitch and timeline proves to all of us how different it could be (or would be) if there was no d--khead OM.
Me47 W38 D11 M 12yrs 1st BD 3/16 2nd BD 12/16 Confirm PA 1/17 (going on for at least 1 yr, maybe longer) Separated 2/17 D No talk
THE MAIN REAL REASON B's W is willing to go on dates, sleep over, going to in-laws, think and talk about their future together, etc so quickly and openly is because THERE IS NO OM in the picture.
Yes and no.
I mean, Ive never seen a WS come back to actually work on the relationship while the third person is still involved. In other words, the WS isnt going to come back until the relationship with the AP ends one way or another. So yes, it's certainly going to be easier to reconcile if theres no AP, because those relationships often last several months.
But I disagree with you that the lack of an AP is THE REAL REASON that Benito is working towards piecing with his W. THE REAL REASON is that he followed the program and it got him the results that he was looking for. Your comments completely dismiss the work that Benito put in and suggest that without an AP, it is easy to repair the relationship. It's easiER for sure....but I dont believe thats the REAL REASON she returned.
Originally Posted By: Painful
Sounds like she possibly wasn't even a true WAW; just wanted to teach him a lesson and turn him around which he did very well.
Wow. Like I said in my post before, it's frustrating that the thoughts of Benito when he first joined are now redacted so that people like you dont chalk this up as a random chance event where a WAW decided not to walk away. She chose to return because of hard work done by the LBS to reflect and evolve. Dismissing that as commonplace is extremely rude, in my opinion.
Originally Posted By: Painful
I bet 80-90% of guys here would've been in a similar sitch if they had a W like B's instead of cold-hearted WWs whose main goal now is to try to build a new life with the "soulmate" "best friend" OM.
80 to 90%?!? If that were anywhere remotely close to true, there would be no book. I doubt MWD would even have a job. AP or not....it is hard work to completely retrain yourself in your thoughts and behaviors. I would say it is certainly more likely to reconcile when theres no AP, but even if there isnt, the success rate for reconciling once someone gets desperate enough to post here is insanely low.
My issue has been that I am kind of a control freak and so when W did things that i considered 'disorganized' or not 'logical' I would really get annoyed. And over time this created this perception for me that W was just not being a proper adult and I would get riled up internally when she would do something small that wasn't how I would do it
Really good insight, b/c you took a very minor choice your w made, a choice with no moral or financial implications, you morphed her difference of opinion into a character flaw on her part.
And kept it all inside. May I ask how long this took for you to realize? Yeah, it's something my kids and I had to live with for a long time. I do not miss that part of h.
. I never yelled at her or got annoyed verbally, but she knew that I was feeling that way.
how did you radiate it towards her?
To give you an example - this is how dumb this thing is and how little significance it actually has.
W would put dishes in the dishwasher that I considered not efficient. It looked disorganized and you could fit more things in it if she did it 'my' way. So, that would annoy me. And the problem is that it would actually get me really mad internally. This was built over many years so I know that I didn't react that way few years back. I need to fix this for myself because 'my' way isn't the only way or the 'right' way. I need to be able to chill out about little things like this.
^^yeah, all true. You'll be calmer and more at peace without "trying to control" the world.
When h did this exact dishwasher ordeal, my kids saw it as incredibly controlling. No one wanted to load it if he was around. I know I felt criticized even when he said nothing. Because he'd do the task all over again and "explain it", or just move something and loudly sigh or huff.
HIS way was so clearly better in his eyes, (and might well be more efficient!)
But he came to believe only flawed people or those who were "just ignoring" him, would do it their own way. There was no room for individual choice or idiosyncrasy and most issues increased in importance to him, as his resentments grew and festered.
It was clear what he thought. And it was such a corrosive element in our home.
But good on you for working on it. Serioulsy.
I'm just saying how it may have felt to your w/kids. The more you show the new you, the better for them and for you
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
