Lost on how to save my marriage! 4

[sandi2]

I feel you on no withdrawls. I can't put my finger on it. It's almost like she stop talking to the OM cold turkey.

If she's stop contact, she'll go into withdrawals. She'll be terribly moody and unhappy, restless, maybe sleepless, maybe pace the floor, impatient, can't find anything to hold her interest, and she'll battle the craving to contact OM.....just as any drug addict needing a fix. Any means of communication (computer, phone, etc.) will be a source of temptation for a while. She'll be pretty miserable.

Is it a possibility that she truly stop talking to the OM cold turkey? Sandi have you ever seen it before?

I stopped contact cold turkey. And I immediately went into withdrawals that lasted about six or seven months! The depression continued even longer, but at least it was not the hard withdrawals I had previously. But that was me, and every person varies about the length of time to recover. Plus, I had health problems and there were other family issues going on at the time that didn't help speed things along for me.

There is no affair "closure" that some WW's claim they need. That's just an excuse to contact the AP again. There is no tapering off. It may eventually fizzle out, like MWD says, but if your W is wayward (and I think in most cases here on the board, they are wayward in affairs) then there's a big chance she's going to OM#2 in the very near future, or relapse at some point if she doesn't recover from her wayward mindset.

If she was in any type of affair (EA/PA/IA) then the WW is going to have some withdrawals for a period of time, b/c she was not really in true love with the OM. He was a part of her fantasy. It was a deception and a secret, and it added to the thrill of it all. I mean, if sin didn't feel good on some level, I doubt so many would freely engage.

She was addicted to the chemical flooding her brain and was experiencing that which is similar to feeling "in love". In her wayward state of mind, she is not going to want to part with the "high" she got from contacting OM. It feeds her ego. It keeps her in an emotional state of feeling high, as long as she can contact him often enough to feed those needs.

If she's acting as if everything is fine when she's around you, then I'm saying she's covering her affair. There are so many technology apps these days to help people conceal their A. I would IM and email the OM when I was at work. I would talk to him on the work phone. I kept a secret cell phone and would leave the house to call him when I was not at work. He would not call my secret cell phone, and I kept it hidden. This was after my H discovered my online activity from our home computer and home phone records. The OM was not a local person, but if he had been.....I would have figured out a way to be alone with him. Never underestimate what a WW can and will do. You cannot trust her. You can choose to detach, drop the rope, and go your own way in living your life in spite of her.....but you can't afford to just "trust" her without her proving herself over a sufficient amount of time. Do you get what I am saying here?

Some days, I just want to not ever worry about it, and say I'm the better M, so why even search for anything. Just worry about myself and keep moving forward.

Then why can't you choose to go that way? That's what I was saying in my previous statement. You can choose to not worry and go forward, but just don't believe her without sufficient evidence that convinces you that she is genially working toward a better MR, and most of all....being faithful to you. I just don't think it's that easy to live the rest of your life in a MR where you don't know if your spouse is being real or not. I think a lot of people do, but I don't think it would be easy long term, not being able to believe your spouse. To me, (and this may sound weird coming from a former WW), that is the real deceit......when you are not in the relationship you believed you have, b/c it isn't real. Make sense? Therefore, I say to do whatever you can live with...happily. If you can leave it alone and go on with your life and be happy, then do it. If you can't live that way and need to know the truth, then gather enough intel to know where you stand, and make a decision accordingly.

But, we all know we need concrete evidence to prove what our WS are doing.

IMHO, it depends upon what you are trying to achieve. Do you need to know "if" she has cheated, or do you already know she has? Do you need to know if she has stopped contacting the OM? Has she committed to NC and doing what is necessary to save the MR? Has she shown any remorse or even apologized for her actions? Do you know anything for sure?

For years, I said no snooping. I still think no "snooping" is best, but I have changed my mind about gathering intel to know if your spouse is, indeed, in some type of affair. Once you know, I don't believe it is healthy to check every day to see what their latest activity. Did you know it can become habitual? I have read from many LBH's who said it was like a drug and hard to stop snooping. I have also read several stories of the affect it had when they read too many details in the conversations between the AP'S.

One thing I have always supported is transparency after the WW has agreed to NC ever again with OM, and she commits to saving the MR. I say this from the WW viewpoint, or rather the "former" WW. Being transparent with my H was probably the best thing I could have done to help me stay on the straight & narrow path through the withdrawal period. Many board members think transparency is for the betrayed spouse only, but if the WW is genuine about reconciling, it will help her stay resolved to NC with her former AP. Here again, the H doesn't have to look every day, in fact I suggest he doesn't. Don't tell her when or how you will check on her activity, but do spot check. The reason I say don't tell her is b/c of the different ways she can cover up, if she knows when and how he will check. As long as she has agreed, the terms of how he'll check should be his decision. If she's not humble and remorseful about her infidelity, then she will gripe about not having privacy, and not being fair for him to look at her messages, or whatever. Well, guess what? She's not in any position to give stipulations to the reconciliation. Everyone may not agree with me, and I don't really care. I am telling you from the mouth of a former WW that she should only have to agree to transparency. And if the H is smart, he'll use something more reliable than just her word! Sure, she can call him and tell him where she's going, etc.....but that gets old pretty quickly and she'll stop, or start resenting it. Here's the thing, the entire point of transparency is for her to earn your trust. Forgiveness doesn't mean trusting. You forgive by grace. Trust can be a choice the first time, but if you're smart, they'll earn your trust after they betray you. My mother told me when I was old enough to date, "I will trust you unless you give me reason not to". I think that could be applied in these cases, too.

When you M her, you believed her and trusted her. After betrayal, she needs to earn back your trust. It aides her in respecting you again, and of course, it assures you that she is sincerely working to get back what she lost. Eventually, the H can taper off on checking often, but he should not stop completely, unless he is convinced she is not covering up something. And, the best tell-all sign that she's backsliding? Her attitude. If her attitude toward you gets bad after or during the withdrawal period......it's time to start checking things out again.

That's the bottom line I would tell anyone that asks how you can tell if she's being truthful. When her words line up with her actions......andwith her attitude.. I think most men can tell when their W is not showing respect. That's key, too. Very important!