Limerence and My Situation 5

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Ginger1]Hi Zues, my friend. I just wanted to state for the record I do not agree with what this person is doing. She knew who he was when she married him, hoping he would change. And I don't think she should have an A, obviously.

Hey Ginger, I agree. I would add that in this^^^ scenario, the h did not change and the w was "on notice."

But There are times when one spouse changes, (or reveals a new side to them) and the other partner is stuck with accepting the new crappy deteriorated m, or to leave.

Telling your spouse that if they don't change you "will leave/divorce" is harder and nastier sounding than you might realize. It's also not advised by any MC's (right or wrong). Divorce is not a word to be thrown about lightly, and for many people, the hope that things will improve keeps you hanging around a long time.

Especially when the h says he will change, and does so temporarily but her needs remain unmet,

and if he's the one paying the bills and there are kids at home...

ANYHOW, For ME, it feels like it should be enough to say "h, it really hurts me when you do X" or "I feel like we/our m/family are not a priority, when you make that choice and I'm unhappy".

there are folks here who heard that, and changed for a week...and then reverted. Hoping they could throw crumbs often enough to avoid doing the work their spouse pleaded for.

So if the behavior does not change - it's awfully hard to tell yourself for the rest of your life, "Either divorce - (& deeply wound the kids/mess finances up- or suck it up".


Once the vulnerability sets in, if the temptation arises - the image/fantasy of the OP fixing the sadness (!!) or whatever the issues were, SEEMS a ton easier. And that is why some m's are ripe for A's. And perhaps Park is waiting for the "seems easier" phase to end when reality sets in. I get that.

Because it's statistically rare that someone leaves for an AP and marries them AND is glad of their choices, 5 years later.

So this is not about defending affairs, it's about not seeing them all in the exact same light.
And not prescribing the exact same path for the LBS.

And this^^ is about when an otherwise decent person strays, as opposed to someone who really is not like us & really does not share our values (long term, I mean).

There are disordered people who fake us out, or change on us, and we come to see them as people we cannot actually live with again. Even if they want to reconcile.

PARK, I make no assumption about your wife here^^. From what you post it's obvious you see reason to have faith. Good on you.

There are some LBSers who take on way too much blame for their spouse's choices

and others who have narratives in which they are the hero/victim, and their spouse's who had the affair did it in a vacuum

and is "100% wrong 100% of the time" (that is an actual quote I've seen here a few times.) Seems to me most of us are somewhere in between.

To sum up with a question,

if someone comes here believing a spouse's A is "100% wrong - 100% of the time",

then why come here?