WW in EA, NC w/OM(?), W's BFF interfering, part 7

[hoosjim]

I never understood why the MC didn't stress that subject during the first intensive 4 hour session you had. Maybe b/c it was key in helping my decision to turn to back, but I think many WW's fail at overcoming their A's simply b/c they are not educated about the addiction and the withdrawals, so they don't know what to expect. I'll tell anyone that it is he!! going through the withdrawal period.

She addressed it briefly, but we had a LOT of s**t that came up that day. Spent a lot of time on hurts from our past (Our miscarriage and misunderstandings between us about that was a big on). MC has mentioned it a couple of times, since, and clearly wants to get my W alone so she can talk frankly about it. Not sure W trusts the MC enough, however, (or perhaps it is comfort) to go ahead with the IC. If in fact we do get in next Friday, MC has said she VERY MUCH wants to see W individuaily. We shall see. Anything you can think of or any tack I can take to help things along, or just, as you indicate below, keep my lip zipped for now (even if W asks if I "want to talk") and wait for MC to bring it up?

That's not good. Don't get me wrong. I don't have a problem getting together with girlfriends awhile to celebrate a birthday. My problem is seeing a married woman and mother choose being with girlfriends to celebrate rather than being with her family. Something common I've seen in WW's is that they not only prefer being with their girlfriends, but it is "friends" that want to get rowdy and push boundaries. And too, they want to go off somewhere for the entire weekend....or longer. They don't want their families to go, b/c the WW's don't want to act like M women who are mothers of teenage kids, or older. They want to act like college age GGW while their families are left behind. This is selfish, wayward, thinking on your W's behalf. And the fact she wants to go so far from home, and mentioning at this time....makes me very suspicious.

Yes, it is very troubling. And by "with girlfriends" she assuredly means with her single girlfriends including bff who very much DO behave like single girls and try to entice W to do so. I was VERY tempted to day something when my W said this yesterday, but I bit my tongue and actually said nothing. Should I have said something, do you think?

I can't see her going there without her BFF. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if that isn't where she got the idea.

Actually it was W's idea. It came in that last convo from last weekend that was on the recording I got when I put the surveillance back up for a couple of days. W actually said "you know, for my 50th, I just really want to go away somewhere, but I want it to be with myself or maybe just with girlfriends if I can find any" (she thinks she doesn't have many good friends when, in actuality, she does-- she just doesn't have any friends besides bff who like to go out and party it up all the time) to which bff responded "Well, I would totally do that... go with you, I mean." I also need to add here that my wife, to the extent she is a WW has not done many, if any, things to leave her kids behind or neglect them, and this is despite a VERY troubled (at times) and difficult to deal with S17 who has near-autistic caliber (at times) Tourett'es Syndrome. She has remained VERY concerned about kids and VERY committed to being with them and keeping close with them. In fact it may be the MAIN reason she is still "here".

When is your birthday, Jim?

LOL my birthday is in april, about three weeks prior to hers (we are both Taurus, LOL). Are you suggesting I plan something for myself prior to her plans, to make her think about it? (I'll be 52, btw). FWIW, she has frequently been suggesting I go off to do things with my friends (she suggested I go to vegas with them when they go in November, most recently) but I have been reluctant to leave her at home by herself for that long a stretch.

My recommendation is to back off. I don't think you need to push a talk or anything. Give her some personal space and don't smother or appear as if you are watching too closely.

So, play it cool, but stay friendly and still engage socially, I presume (without overdoing it?) Letting her go out on her own last night to field hockey game with a couple of friends (these married and mothers of other highschoolers) seemed to go well, and she was curious afterwards about where I went. But it was tough on my part. OM is a football Dad, and their practice ended not long before the Field hockey games started. W stayed on phone with me whole drive over there though (she called me from car) until she was in stands with friends. Then my S17 went over later, so pretty sure she didn't get in any mischief (and I checked phone location once to be sure.) But it seemed to be a good dynamic that we were a bit apart for a night.

where I didn't think anything would come between two friends I knew, until one of them flirted with her friend's H.

I don't know if anything will ever come between her and bff... though if bff's sitch gets ugly enough it might wake her up. Back in April when bff's last affair (with her H's then-best friend, also a friend of mine) came to light, I remember relating it to W (who actually already knew it turns out about the FACT of the affair) and when I started telling her how bff's AP had just been a really cruel jerk to my friend when my friend had come down there to visit him in Florida and he had told my friend about the affair and went on and on about how bad a H he'd been, etc (total dagger through the heart stuff), my W cut me off and said "no, no don't tell me, I don't want to know") So I think there is a point past which she won't countenance bff's actions, and she also said once not long after that she was "evaluating all her relationships, including that with bff".

Also, interestingly, bff made a veiled pass at ME about the same time frame. W laughed it off at the time as probably nothing, but then again W had also said not much after that that the thought of me with another woman didn't bother her.