Lost on how to save my marriage! 4

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=joejoe1]Sandi,

I feel you on no withdrawls. I can't put my finger on it. It's almost like she stop talking to the OM cold turkey. I have checked all kind of places. There's is nothing happening on none of the computers or home phone in the house. They only time I can think of, is when she goes out. The only other place I can see her keeping it, is on her body at all times. I spent a whole week at home with her last week and we talked almost the whole time, and was around each other almost the whole time.

I literally lost on this, because I have been looking for the signs of a WW, and the withdrawals and keeping in contact because of the addiction aspect.

the theories about withdrawal and addiction are theories. YES there is some empirical data that says it often applies, but it's not solid or always applicable.

So don't make yourself nuts by becoming the "A/addiction/police" thinking that if you cannot see overt suffering from her OR anger from her,

then she must be hiding something. This is ^^ crazy making.

And It also undermines the work you have done on yourself and denies her ability to see it.

I don't mean to rub it in your face, but you had some elemental deficits in the m, so it's not like she's been lying to you for years and even though you thought everything was great, she was lying the whole time!" NOT accurate.


Is it a possibility that she truly stop talking to the OM cold turkey? Sandi have you ever seen it before?

Some days, I just want to not ever worry about it, and say I'm the better M, so why even search for anything. Just worry about myself and keep moving forward. But, we all know we need concrete evidence to prove what our WS are doing.


why would you need concrete evidence NOW? She's not on board reconciling yet.

If she wants out of the m, you will know. How? Because she'll tell you, and or she will leave.

Your situation is not like others in that she was doing some long term deceit - while faking happily married.

It's not as if she said "Joe, all is great & I'm so happy with you!!" while lying to you. She outright told you she wanted OM.


I consider baby steps, her starting to hold conversations with me. Her considering on possibly staying in the M.

one of these^^ is mind reading, the other is an observation you can interpret. See the difference?


Her considering getting a job to add income to our home.

This^^ has been a sore subject you said you wish you'd handled very differently. How's that going?


Her asking me for help. She wouldn't ask me for help for anything a while ago. Her saying she wanted to have sex, but she didn't want it to be bad. Or these not baby steps, do you see it as cake eating?


First, I don't know what it means that she did not want the sex "to be bad."

Is she referring to the act itself, or how you both would feel afterwards?

As for cake eating, I'll quote my DB coach. "At the beginnning of DBing, all WAS's 'cake eat' b/c they don't want to be married and the LBSer's do."

And how would intimacy be cake eating for her? (I'm asking).