WW in EA, NC w/OM(?), W's BFF interfering, part 7

[sandi2]

MC had wanted us to talk about some of the things in the workbook she gave us... some of the tougher things concerning the hurts we had caused each other. As I said before, W thinks these things have been talked to death and asks me specifically "well what do you want to talk about",

I have observed WW's who were not fully "repented" for their affair, want to skip over having those discussions.....or at least, hurry through it and move on to something else. I suspect your W's recent setback has stirred up feelings for the OM, and she feels guilty and doesn't want to talk about it.

Actually, I am not so sure the workbook assignments or more talk about the hurt is going to be productive at the moment. I think your W is a little defensive, asking for space, and reluctant to continue discussion on the pain of the affair, etc. Pushing for more talk, at this time, may prove to push her away from the goal.

the MC is very eager to get her into IC so she can work with her on understanding affair addictiveness, how the A and any lingering feelings for OM can ABSOLUTELY affect my W's ability to "see" anything romantic for us on the horizon, and to impress upon her the importance of maintaining strict no contact if she is serious about working on the MR.

I never understood why the MC didn't stress that subject during the first intensive 4 hour session you had. Maybe b/c it was key in helping my decision to turn to back, but I think many WW's fail at overcoming their A's simply b/c they are not educated about the addiction and the withdrawals, so they don't know what to expect. I'll tell anyone that it is he!! going through the withdrawal period. When I was going through my hardest time, we could email board members. So, I was getting extra support off the board. Even one of the two main vets that were mentoring me was surprised by how long the withdrawals were lasting.

when we were talking on the phone about vacations and she was like "I really want to go somewhere tropical for my 50th (next May) but I want to go with my girlfriends". That latter was kind of hard for me to hear-- we are not wealthy, though we are comfortably "middle" to perhaps "upper middle" class, and a trip to the Caribbean or the like is not just a throw-away trip that we don't have to budget and plan for (Especially since we will soon have 2 kids in college).

That's not good. Don't get me wrong. I don't have a problem getting together with girlfriends awhile to celebrate a birthday. My problem is seeing a married woman and mother choose being with girlfriends to celebrate rather than being with her family. Something common I've seen in WW's is that they not only prefer being with their girlfriends, but it is "friends" that want to get rowdy and push boundaries. And too, they want to go off somewhere for the entire weekend....or longer. They don't want their families to go, b/c the WW's don't want to act like M women who are mothers of teenage kids, or older. They want to act like college age GGW while their families are left behind. This is selfish, wayward, thinking on your W's behalf. And the fact she wants to go so far from home, and mentioning at this time....makes me very suspicious. Even if there were no GGW behavior, there is some reason she wants to get so far from home without her family. I can't see her going there without her BFF. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if that isn't where she got the idea. Sorry, I shouldn't have said that b/c it doesn't help your feelings. I'm serious when I say I have seen M's bust apart just this way, with one female friend influencing the other one. The bad thing about this is that I don't know what you can do about it right now. I don't think "talk" is going to cut it.

When is your birthday, Jim?

We also need to talk about and work through her relationship with BFF. That's clearly a major issue--

I understand and agree that BFF is a serious problem. I know your W is an adult, but I have seen IRL many women over the years who were strongly influenced by other females. I don't think this is a subject you can undertake just between you & W. Not right now, b/c she's too sensitive about BFF for you to address it again. I think the MC needs to handle it with your W. If the MC knows anything, she knows how women can influence one another (positive and/or negative).

At any rate, just trying to figure out when and where and about what I should try to get her to do some talking again.

My recommendation is to back off. I don't think you need to push a talk or anything. Give her some personal space and don't smother or appear as if you are watching too closely. That may sound contrary to what I've said previously, but you have to understand that she is riding the fence rail right now. When she's committed and showing signs she's really trying to piece, then you do everything to encourage and support her. Since she's had the setback (at least, emotionally) and struggling....I think you need to let up on trying to get her to talk. It's emotional pressure on her, and it won't go well.

I'm not suggesting you ignore her or show any coolness toward her. Be relaxed, pleasant, etc. Just keep your lips zipped about all that stuff you want to discuss. I know it will hard not to express your opinions or make comments about the BFF, but I hope you won't at this time. You can't manage either one of them. There's a difference in supporting, encouraging, and leading......from trying to manage your W's decisions and actions. So. get back on the detaching horse.

If your W was to get herself together and truly ditch OM and her BFF today and never see or hear from them again....it would probably take from now to next May before she would be completely emotionally withdrawn from OM, unless he does something to really turn her off. I think it would take even longer to withdraw from her friend, b/c of their history.....unless the MC can do something to help her through it faster. However, if your W ever gets really mad or disgusted at BFF.....then it could happen quicker....if BFF didn't try to make up. I remember one case IRL, where I didn't think anything would come between two friends I knew, until one of them flirted with her friend's H. That did it! I mean that friendship was over right then and they never made up.....and that was about thirty years ago. Funny thing about it is that the W & H had been having some problems, so when the W felt threatened by the BFF....she cut that lady out of the picture real fast. BTW, the H was innocent in all of it, according to what the W told me. In other words, he wasn't trying to break their friendship apart, and he didn't try to instigate anything with the friend. So, you just never know.