Finding my way out of the dark - Part 4

[Accuray]

Holding,

You should apologize to your STBX if you want to -- but only do it once. If you've done it already don't do it again. The key with an apology is that (1) there can't be any "buts" and (2) there can be no expectation of reciprocation. i.e. "here's what I've done wrong and I'm sorry for that" -- the end.

ONLY do that if it will bring you some closure or some peace. Most likely it will not, and you'll want to make another overture because you didn't get the resolution you were expecting.

As I've been thinking more about STBXW's perspective in all this, it's made me feel more responsible for my part in the downfall of my M. And so I feel partly responsible for this h3ll we're going through. I know I shouldn't, but part of me still feels like a failure.

It's totally normal for the LBS to cycle from feeling totally victimized to feeling totally responsible and all points in between. Be gentle with yourself, this is just part of the process and it comes and goes.

I used to go through waves of despair that would just hit me out of nowhere. My wise IC said that over time they would come less frequently, they wouldn't last as long when they did come, but that the very last thing to go would be the intensity, and she was right.

You will heal from all of this and you will be happy and feel great again, trust me.

One very important thing to think about is that there are things you can control, and things you can't. You can't control what STBX does, and you can't change what has already happened between you.

The things you cannot control or change you need to surrender to. That is not as easy as it sounds, because it can be very frustrating and you will hold onto the notion that you can exert control over things that effect you.

I used to visualize literally letting go of a set of handlebars and it brought be great relief as I trained myself to do that. If you're upset about your contribution to what happened to your marriage, acknowledge it, vow not to repeat it, and then let go of it. There's no value in carrying that around.

Acc