Lost on how to save my marriage! 4

[hoosjim]

As for the other phone situation. There might be one. But I don't see any indicators to support that.

My wife had a burner phone on three occasions (same phone the first two.) I am with Sandi2, here, that your W definitely could still have one. You need to be tuned in to how she is acting. Don't know if you play poker, but everyone, and I mean EVERYONE has personal "tells" that indicate when they are doing or feeling particular things. My own W is particularly transparent, but if you are observant you can pick up on anybody's tells with a little practice. When your W was communicating with OM on her regular phone, how did she act? Is she doing anything similar now? Disappearing at odd times? Hiding/gaurding her purse?

You and others are right, of course, that snooping (while sometimes necessary and acceptable if done OCCASIONALLY and not compulsively) is, by and large, a pretty uncomfortable thing to do and, while often informative, almost never makes you feel any better. Sometimes, though, you just gotta know, for any number of reasons. If you suspect she has a burner phone, try planting a recorder at home when you know she is going to be there and you wont, or in her car. If she is using a burner phone, you will quickly find out. But be extremely careful when doing such things. Snooping and getting caught really does do some damage to the relationship, however justified it may look subjectively or even objectively at the time, AND it can become a compulsion (a very damaging one, particularly to yourself) if you are not measured, careful and, yes, detached.

I personally did not have to do any extra snooping on my W to discover the first burner she had. She left it out in plain sight and it rang while I was standing like three feet away. The second time (same phone) I overheard her talking on it once when I came back into the house and she started doing a LOT of sneaking out of the room and handbag guarding and obviously hiding something when I would come into the room and such. The last time, she just started acting really weird, and furtive, and she had been acting pretty suspiciously, had a couple big blocks of unaccounted for time out of the house and so I did, that time, check her purse... where I found the phone. And that and the subsequent fallout nearly ended things for us.... Although, if things end up working out for us it will, conversely, end up having been the final catalyst moving us in that direction.

One final thing to keep in mind, and take this as you will: If your W is bound and determined to contact OM no matter what... then there is pretty much nothing you can do about it. You can't monitor every aspect of someone's life 24/7, and in this day and age there are just way way WAY too many ways to contact someone surreptitiously. It boggled my mind when I started looking into all of the "secret" texting and chat apps that are available. If someone is careful, and determined, it is quite possible to carry on an electronic relationship without getting caught. In the end you need to be able to trust the individual.