You also mentioned no longer starting convos and no longer doing family dinners, this was the other thing I was struggling with. I started to wonder if the family dinners/hanging out were letting her have the best of both worlds, and maybe if we did not do those things she would miss them and be apt to work on our m.
Yes, you should stop them. Theres a few reasons I think that it would be good. 1) like you said, it helps shift the pursuer/distancer dynamic. It gives her an opportunity to pursue you.
2) It also gives a little bit of mystery to your life. Youve said repeatedly that you are open to forgiveness and that she can come back any time. Those kinds of things only keep her away - as they reinforce that you will be there as her safety net. If she isnt regularly seeing you, then she may wonder what you are actually doing instead.
3) It gives you each some space. Neither of you is in a position to 'work on your m' right now. There is a ton of damage done to the foundation of your marriage. Now is a great time to reflect and figure out what matters to each of you. By continuing to interact so regularly, you lose the objectivity you need to make what should be difficult decisions and choices about what you value.
Originally Posted By: Clyde
As far as the convos go I thought after reading DB & DR I was strong enough to stop them, but last week I slipped and started what seemed to turn into the most enlightening ones yet... at one point I even told her "wow, I'm glad we can talk because I had no idea about how you felt about a lot of things and vise versa, maybe taking some misconceptions off the plate will lessen your desire for space/not wanting a relationship at the moment."
The first part is ok. But the second part makes me want to pull my hair out! She knows you want to R. So stop pushing it. Just...be...for now. Think about it this way - every time you mention reconciling it pushes your chances for actually doing so farther out. Imagine your kid asking for a treat at 2 PM. You say 'no, maybe after dinner.' How would you feel if they asked you for a treat every 5 minutes from 2 PM until dinner time? Thats you right now - every time you bring up reconciling, she is going to just get more frustrated/annoyed at you. Shes asking for some space. Give it to her.
