Lost on how to save my marriage! 4

[joejoe1]

I got caught snooping thru wife cell phone. She is passed. I have to let go of that cell phone. My last real detachment entity.

And we had a 5 good/peaceful days.

Any advice on what I should do or say to her?

[Tread]

Apologize if your actually sorry. Let her know that her betrayal is going to take more time for you to get over. She has to realize that her actions made you like this. My W would actually het upset with me not trusting her. But would refuse to acknowledge that her behavior caused my suspicious behavior. WS hate to acknowledge cause and effect.

[Holding]

Oh JoeJoe, so sorry. This is a tricky one.

Snooping is wrong. If it weren't, we wouldn't hide it when we did it, would we? We know it's wrong, but we do it anyway. I did it too, so I understand. Snooping makes us feel awful too, no matter what we find out. I know I never felt better afterwards, only worse. It's an unhealthy compulsion.

As the vets and MWD will tell you, snooping is a form of pursuit. It also openly displays a lack of trust to your W (put aside whether that lack of trust is justified).

I guess I'm with Tread - apologize if you're sorry. But I wouldn't bother pointing any fingers at her or trying to justify your behavior. It'll cheapen your apology. If you really intend not to do it any more (and plan on totally sticking to that) then tell her it made you feel horrible and won't do it any more.

Think of it in terms of, you've done something wrong, so how do you make amends for that? Forget this is your W or this may hurt your cause. The apology is for you, not her.

[joejoe1]

Holding,

She ended not being as mad as I thought she would be. She cooked for us.


She also planned a thanksgiving feast for the family at our house.

I took the boys to the park and pool.

My W also keeping "yet". In other words, when we are talking she will say we are not ready for that yet.

No expectations of these phrases.

[Holding]

Hey JoeJoe, how's it going?

Just a heads up that your W may have gone underground with her feelings about the snooping. It almost sounds like it was swept under the rug. Has she said anything else about it?

[joejoe1]

Holding,

I don't think she has. I was checking her phone every fews days and nothing was on there. I just finally got caught. I done checking for now. I need to do on a less regular basis.

She has detached from her phone. She is not on it as much and she lets it die more now. She leaves it all over the house and there aren't any other electronics she's communicating with in our home.

She could have gone underground, but I don't see any indications.

On another note. We have MC tonight. I hope it goes well.

We communicated well yesterday. I don't know what to make on what's going on between us. She's talking about getting a job to add more income to our household. She uses the word yet, when talking about our M. Like she is not ready yet to do things together.

Reading other peoples sitch I don't see the same characteristics and this leaves me confused on what to expect next. I'm going with the flow and taking it day by day. I'm working on myself and moving forward.

[25yearsmlc]

Joejoe

Keep up the personal work. Your wife is understandably concerned about MC as are you.

I believe your FIL urged her to work on the m, and I think your w wants the marriage to work OR for her to be happy elsewhere

which is not all that different from what we all want.

You are all you control and from your own (brave) admissions, there's a lot to confront.

Stay on that path in your own sandbox, no matter what else happens, b/c you are already learning that working on your own happiness is helping YOU be happy, now.

And that is just a lot more enjoyable for those around you.


As for tonight, my guess is that you need some armor b/c it's not going to be easy hearing what your w has to say. She has a scorecard and it's a long one.

Keep your helmet on. Validate what is legit -because you want to work on that,
regardless of what she chooses. For you.

[joejoe1]

25,

She decided she wanted to share the counselor by herself.

I talked to a Pastor. He gave great advice.

The counselor. Told me to pray to change my wife heart. She also told me she thinks it will work out..

My wife is talking to her again on Thursday. I'm happy she is talking to someone now. My wife didn't want to go to a church counselor, but it seems she liked her session. Im grateful for that.

Now to keep moving forward.

[sandi2]

This is JMO......I don't think you should apologize for checking her phone. I think she planted a trap. If you apologize, she is going to twist everything around about not being able to trust you and get herself out of the hot seat. Frankly, I suspect she has a second phone she uses to contact OM, and that's why she is suddenly leaving her main phone laying around with practically an invitation card for you to check it.

Be prepared for MC, b/c many WW's use the session to announce she is ready to D. They really want the MC to help you accept
it, and maybe discuss how to arrange child care, etc. So, brace yourself.

[joejoe1]

Sandi,

You are right about the apology situation. But I already apologized. Damit.

As for the other phone situation. There might be one. But I don't see any indicators to support that.

She decided to talk to the counselor alone. I dont know what they talked about, but we will see when it's time for us to come together in a session. The marriage counselor is pro marriage.

So we will see, how her attitude changes over the next few weeks.

My wifebhas been changing her vocab when talking about our future. She says, "yet, I don't know, if,". Before she would say she is done.

I will take this day by day, and look for the baby steps.

Our counselor also told me to be patient, and she feel that the marriage will be saved. I have faith. I will keep moving forward, with Lord keeping me.