I called a lawyer the other day. 425 an hour and she doesn't offer a cheaper consultation. Supposedly she's good tho. And I really want to see her. So I'm holding off until after Christmas. I also remembered that I have a free legal consultation from my work benefits so I'm going to call them. I never thought of it from a legal perspective that my lawyer would be behind the eight ball if I just brought an agreement. Thank you for the advice. Interesting that you hear alarm bells. I can't imagine he would screw me over, but you never know. Thanks for the heads up.
As much as I hate to say this, (and I understand why, at this stage, you would say "I can't imagine he would screw me over, but you never know.").......... HE MIGHT. Look around this forum.
Listen to 25. She's in the middle of a battle. She's trying to help you protect yourself.
Never underestimate what a WS may do. He is not the same person that you began this R with, years ago.
Get legal advice. Stop so much talking to him about your feelings, your future plans, and for heaven's sake, don't trust his saying he hasn't seen a L. Maybe he hasn't. But right now you are bargaining for $ that will affect the rest of your life, and your children's futures. Don't gamble with the odds on him in a game this big.
Put yourself back in the driver's seat of your own life. Show him through your attitude and behavior (NOT WITH WORDS) that you are a strong, independent woman who is driving her own bus now. HE should be the one worrying that YOU won't screw him over.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Good point. I will call the referral thru my benefits and go from there. On the GAL front, I have met some great people at the dog park. They invited to me a paint night next week. We are painting our pets. Should be a good laugh lol. I am so not artistically inclined. I hired a life coach. To help me live authentically. To get rid of the anger and past resentment. She is an old friend from high school. I am looking forward to getting started. I start agility classes with my dog this week. Very excited about that!! And I do my level 2 Reiki this weekend. So yes LOTS of GAL activities this month!! I'm totally stepping outside my comfort zone. I mean I never would have went to a paint class with people I met at a dog park before!!
[quote=Henwen]Good point. I will call the referral thru my benefits and go from there. If there is anything I can do or say to light a fire under this^^^ idea, I WILL DO or SAY IT!
I was married for 35 years, Hen. And for most of that time, I would have said it was a good to great marriage. That's been validated by others. We achieved a lot of things, attained wealth and raised 3 kids.
When I was out of town & suddenly took ill a year ago (which can happen to anyone at anytime),
I would never, ever believed that h would
1) not come out to get me until 6 days had passed and I was released from the hospital
2) move money around, then block my access to joint accounts,
3) leave me in a daze unable to drive, bathe or swim (we had a pool, so it mattered)
4) in a city in which I only knew 2 people - as we'd moved there for his job, again,
but which he left for the tundra Alaska
and 5) that he had been seeing OW
AND
6) cut off our youngest child's tuition for college before her 3rd year
and
7) have zero contact with our children, with whom he was once close.
And
8) then in divorce court, oppose paying ANY spousal support b/c he "wants/deserves to retire/travel the world/do another fellowship/buy into the partnership up there."
Yes he was/is confused, but no matter.
Hen, I get that your h is not mine. In fact, he sounds like he's been struggling awhile with this, and simply wants more peace in his life.
So, doesn't that make the risk of his justifying poor behavior, higher?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes I get that and totally hear what you are saying and I am heeding your words and will be calling. I won't let him leave the kids and I out in the cold. Because if I can believe one thing out of this whole mess, it's not to trust anyone.
So I made an appt with a lawyer. I see her in a week. That was the soonest I could get in. I had a conversation with H. I told him I suspected it was his pride that was making him stay away. He said I told him my friends told him to be let him rot and he will eventually come crawling back. Which is a complete lie. I would never say that neither would any of my friends. Anyways he is always talking about my pride. So I looked at it differently and thought what if he was projecting onto me what he thought of him self. So I mentioned it. I said he believes his pride would be wounded if he came back. That people would think of him as weak. (He likes to be seen as having his sh.t together) and that that would not be the case. Only the people that didn't care about him might think like that. That there is no winning or losing in a relationship. There are no scoreboards. I said but I can't make him see things he doesn't want to see. And then he said he was working and very very busy and had to go. So I know by his actions I have hit the nail on the head. Now how do I work around that? He keeps asking me to provide a budget and what I want out of the divorce. Is this the point where I give up? It seems pointless now. Looking for advice how to deal with someone who's pride is everything. Thanks.
And now I just realized i need an expensive part for the hot tub. And H said to confirm a price and he would get it. I just said ok. Because normally I would have said no. We don't need your help you don't live here so it's not your responsibility. So my 180 would be to accept his help. How do I respond to this? Just let him buy the part? I feel like he does this just to alleviate his guilt. There is no other explanation for it. Looking for advice on what to do.
Let him buy the part. Why not? Whatever his motivation is, unless he told you, would just be mind reading. I'm not sure why it would matter anyway. Take the emotion out of it and just look at it as a practical matter.
I think you need to seriously come up with a financial plan and prepare for a D settlement that you feel good about. It's not about giving up. It's about protecting yourself. Again, what could it hurt? You'd be proactive, planning for a future without him, and in the end if you don't need it, tear it up, no harm done.
Prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. But be smart.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
That's what I'm doing with the lawyer when I see her. I'm going to see what's what and go from there. It's scary tho. Because he's not going to like it. I know that for a fact and wjll be the nail in the coffin.
Henwen I am a lawyer and went to a lawyer almost immediately. I had a separation contract drawn up. I've asked for it back many times. I've practically begged him to file. They do it when they are ready. Worry less about him, and more about you. As Leah said, the faster you can remove the emotion from all of your communications, the better. Take the money for the part, lose the commentary. He doesn't want to hear your thoughts, opinions, digs, etc. Just the facts ma'am.
