I have been living in the shadows for a couple of weeks, so thought I would offer an update on my situation and give some positive vibes into the forum.
We regularly see each other, and usually at weekends sleep at each other’s (current) places and having a mixture of sex and chilled meals/films/days out time together. We text regularly and speak on the phone regularly also. We are really enjoying each other’s company and we are in a positive place. We are both still living apart, and we will continue to date until we feel ready she is ready to move back home.
In the last 10 days I have started to receive the previously familiar “thinking of you” text messages at random intervals, she ends all phone calls with “I love you” and she is more forthcoming with her feelings now also – “Aww (Benito), I love you. Don’t know what I would do without you. This new you is a dream come true. I’m very proud of you”.
I remember 2 things that AnotherStander said to me early on in my process that stuck with me;
1. That I needed to let my W go on her own journey and to understand that she is hurting too.
My W was depressed. Not that I knew at the time. To be honest it’s a bit embarrassing just typing that because I thought I knew my W, but in reality I didn’t. I was familiar with her interactions with me and her in a relationship with me, but I never really knew her or paid as much attention as I needed to. When I realised that I was 100,00,00 miles away from the person I was when we first met, I made a conscious effort to just accept that whatever I did on this journey of self-improvement, it was going to be horrible and painful, but I was willing to do it. Not only was I willing to do it, but I was willing not to receive any thanks or praise from anyone. I needed to accept myself. I needed to love myself and I needed to be more aware of people close to me. I told myself that if I did that... Then the right people would find their way back into my life. I didn’t need tears, tricks, strategies or emotional blackmail or any other things desperate co-dependant people do. I was willing to just have ‘faith’ (not religious) but just faith that the universe would deliver the people into my live that I deserved. It will be 7 months by the end of next week. It’s been hard but there is light.
She had her own problems. No amount of me thinking what she wanted or what she was thinking would make any difference. She was left alone to go on her journey. At the start it was an hour a week we met to discuss the divorce. I expected nothing and lived like I had already achieved my goals (a fake it till you make it thing) and my enthusiasm for life in general increased. Even though it was only an hour – things would happen, let’s say for example she spilled something while making a coffee. Previously before all this happened I would have rolled my eyes and made her feel like she was a naughty child. When it happened this time, I looked up, acknowledged what had happened and quietly carried on what I was doing. She is waiting for my reaction… but it never comes. Fast forward another week, we go out for a few drinks.. I pick up the bill without asking or wanting thanks. Again she used to paying half.
Numerous small changes, even small things like ending phone calls first, opening doors for her, just being factual and not moaning about things I couldn’t change. It was a snow ball. They didn’t look like they were getting noticed first, but when they did it was easy for her to believe that the changes were real and for me not her. I was a man to her again.
Little by little over a long period of time, most of the things that she felt uptight around me about, were not happening anymore and she started to relax. The more she relaxed, the real her started to appear back. The absolute KEY thing I did here was not to put all of these successes in a pile and think what does it mean? Or get excited things were improving. After each visit, I got on with my life as if nothing had happened. Clear mind. My life. I’m complete on my own.
Over a period of time again I started to get phone calls telling me of her problems. I was the person she left because I was emotional draining and abusive, now she sees me as her ‘safe place’ again. But as I said above, I don’t go rushing in like a white knight trying to solve her problems. I acknowledge her, offer my opinion and leave it at that. I am not a fixer, it is not my job to help her. That’s her job. Now she is realising that things are different and now wants to go on dates and sleep over. I am at a stage now picking wallpaper for the bedroom we want to decorate when she comes home. She can see a future. And she got to that place all on her own. I am now like a new boyfriend to her. But its only new because I had to realise that if the person that I loved more than anything else in the world wanted to divorce me, I needed a long hard look in the mirror and needed to be honest with myself. Things needed to change.. with or without her.. Luckily for me its looking like it will probably be with her.
The second thing AnotherStander said to me was “Instead of reading about other people stories, why don’t you have the attitude were you want to be the best DB’er this forum has seen”
Here in lies my biggest lesson in this whole process. I can try my best but I can never control anyone or guarantee things will work out ok. All I can do is be the best man I can be for myself, handle the bad times with dignity, and hope for the best.
It was letting go of that control that allowed me to change so much quicker. I just thought “fu** it” what have I got to lose?? I thought I was doing it right before i.e. ironing, being faithful, paying the bills – but I wasn’t. None of that really matters. People want nice people. Confident, trust worthy people who they can rely on. My goal was to reach that person. The funny thing is now I am close to achieving what I original set out to achieve, it isn’t how I expected it to be. In fact I am quite blasé about it. I am happy; but not crying with desperate joy. I’m cool and talking it in my stride. And this is because I know that she is lucky to have me as much as I am lucky to have her. I deserve this. And hopefully I can carry on learning each day and we can continue to move in a positive direction together – but always on the basis of being healthy individuals also.
Always a pleasure reading your updates Benni. It always gives me good needed perspective and staying focused on the true motivations for DBing.
I have a question.
Quote:
Even though it was only an hour – things would happen, let’s say for example she spilled something while making a coffee. Previously before all this happened I would have rolled my eyes and made her feel like she was a naughty child. When it happened this time, I looked up, acknowledged what had happened and quietly carried on what I was doing.
If I remember, one of the issues you had identified in your sitch was that you would be quick to get annoyed and angry. Even small things like spilling coffee. Now, it is one thing to not react outwardly towards your W and show that you're cool about things now. But what did you do to come to a place of acceptance internally? Like you're not just chill with her about what happened outwardly, but you must also have done some internal work to not freak out about it without showing it to her face.
So, I am curious about the lasting internal changes that you have been working on. It's not just a change of mindset, but truly coming to realize that in the grand scheme of things, these incidents are small and not worthy of the reactions you were having previously.
I have some similar issues and I can fake being chill when such things happen, but internally, I am still WTF? lol. I want to be internally chill as well.
Maika it happens with practice and requires work. You need to reframe it. Always just count down from 5 to 0 and then logically think if your reaction is justified or not, just like B said. It's the amygdala taking control in your brain, the quick thinking - learned behavior. Meditation helps this too. Neuroplasticity eventually corrects it and you'll learn a new habit to counter the previous behavior.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
My issue has been that I am kind of a control freak and so when W did things that i considered 'disorganized' or not 'logical' I would really get annoyed. And over time this created this perception for me that W was just not being a proper adult and I would get riled up internally when she would do something small that wasn't how I would do it. I never yelled at her or got annoyed verbally, but she knew that I was feeling that way.
To give you an example - this is how dumb this thing is and how little significance it actually has.
W would put dishes in the dishwasher that I considered not efficient. It looked disorganized and you could fit more things in it if she did it 'my' way. So, that would annoy me. And the problem is that it would actually get me really mad internally. This was built over many years so I know that I didn't react that way few years back.
I need to fix this for myself because 'my' way isn't the only way or the 'right' way. I need to be able to chill out about little things like this.
Benni, thanks for the update on your sitch. I'm happy for you
Did your W ever have a moment of looking for recon? I ask because the "hard line" approach we see a lot around here would have us believe we need to look for some kind of "hitting bottom" moment from the WAS. I'm talking about the moment where they come forward and announce "I've made a mistake."
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
What did your W complain about before she left and what changes have you made? I am trying to remember but I don't think there was OM in the picture was there?
You mentioned that you and W has been meeting to discuss the divorce process. Did you two just stop the process and who actually initiated the dates in the beginning? And wjat was that process like?
She claimed I was gas lighting her and I was mentally abusive.
There was one comment about her having feelings about someone else, but this is was quickly backtracked on and she apologised for making the comment and advised it was purely a shoulder to cry on. Both my and her therapist, advised that when people are in turmoil they can have fantasy thoughts about a nicer life somewhere in the future whether it is real or not, and they believe this is what she had been doing. I have to be honest I never believed it for one second and she has never dropped a hint like that again, nor is she shifty around me, and she leaves her phone around all the time and handed it me to use at the weekend.
I am under no illusion that at some point she may have been interested in someone else. But to be honest I cant blame her for wanting to be happy when I was a co-dependent emotional energy leech.
In reference to me changing, I guess I saw myself for what I was. Previously I used to love telling people about my terrible upbringing, I gave me a conversation point, a reason to moan, a reason not to move on. I stupidly thought that she would just put up with it because she was my wife.
When she left, it was like jumping into a cold bath. My perspective changed and I realised I was a fully grown man responsible for my own actions and destiny. Any security or happiness I needed had to stop coming from others and I needed to come to rely on myself.
So that’s what I did. Some times we went a week without speaking. I was told that when she walked she was afraid of what I would do to myself. So when she came back and saw me out with friends, or improving my body, or having a relationship with my parents, it was like wooahhh who is this guy???
At first she thought it was an act. So we started dating once a week. After a while she started to believe. And now she truly believes and we are ready to start again stronger than ever.
As I said previously I would have killed to have this moment 6 months ago, but now I have it I'm nice and chilled because she is lucky to have me as much as I am lucky to have her.
