I have been living in the shadows for a couple of weeks, so thought I would offer an update on my situation and give some positive vibes into the forum.
We regularly see each other, and usually at weekends sleep at each other’s (current) places and having a mixture of sex and chilled meals/films/days out time together. We text regularly and speak on the phone regularly also. We are really enjoying each other’s company and we are in a positive place. We are both still living apart, and we will continue to date until we feel ready she is ready to move back home.
In the last 10 days I have started to receive the previously familiar “thinking of you” text messages at random intervals, she ends all phone calls with “I love you” and she is more forthcoming with her feelings now also – “Aww (Benito), I love you. Don’t know what I would do without you. This new you is a dream come true. I’m very proud of you”.
I remember 2 things that AnotherStander said to me early on in my process that stuck with me;
1. That I needed to let my W go on her own journey and to understand that she is hurting too.
My W was depressed. Not that I knew at the time. To be honest it’s a bit embarrassing just typing that because I thought I knew my W, but in reality I didn’t. I was familiar with her interactions with me and her in a relationship with me, but I never really knew her or paid as much attention as I needed to. When I realised that I was 100,00,00 miles away from the person I was when we first met, I made a conscious effort to just accept that whatever I did on this journey of self-improvement, it was going to be horrible and painful, but I was willing to do it. Not only was I willing to do it, but I was willing not to receive any thanks or praise from anyone. I needed to accept myself. I needed to love myself and I needed to be more aware of people close to me. I told myself that if I did that... Then the right people would find their way back into my life. I didn’t need tears, tricks, strategies or emotional blackmail or any other things desperate co-dependant people do. I was willing to just have ‘faith’ (not religious) but just faith that the universe would deliver the people into my live that I deserved. It will be 7 months by the end of next week. It’s been hard but there is light.
She had her own problems. No amount of me thinking what she wanted or what she was thinking would make any difference. She was left alone to go on her journey. At the start it was an hour a week we met to discuss the divorce. I expected nothing and lived like I had already achieved my goals (a fake it till you make it thing) and my enthusiasm for life in general increased. Even though it was only an hour – things would happen, let’s say for example she spilled something while making a coffee. Previously before all this happened I would have rolled my eyes and made her feel like she was a naughty child. When it happened this time, I looked up, acknowledged what had happened and quietly carried on what I was doing. She is waiting for my reaction… but it never comes. Fast forward another week, we go out for a few drinks.. I pick up the bill without asking or wanting thanks. Again she used to paying half.
Numerous small changes, even small things like ending phone calls first, opening doors for her, just being factual and not moaning about things I couldn’t change. It was a snow ball. They didn’t look like they were getting noticed first, but when they did it was easy for her to believe that the changes were real and for me not her. I was a man to her again.
Little by little over a long period of time, most of the things that she felt uptight around me about, were not happening anymore and she started to relax. The more she relaxed, the real her started to appear back. The absolute KEY thing I did here was not to put all of these successes in a pile and think what does it mean? Or get excited things were improving. After each visit, I got on with my life as if nothing had happened. Clear mind. My life. I’m complete on my own.
Over a period of time again I started to get phone calls telling me of her problems. I was the person she left because I was emotional draining and abusive, now she sees me as her ‘safe place’ again. But as I said above, I don’t go rushing in like a white knight trying to solve her problems. I acknowledge her, offer my opinion and leave it at that. I am not a fixer, it is not my job to help her. That’s her job. Now she is realising that things are different and now wants to go on dates and sleep over. I am at a stage now picking wallpaper for the bedroom we want to decorate when she comes home. She can see a future. And she got to that place all on her own. I am now like a new boyfriend to her. But its only new because I had to realise that if the person that I loved more than anything else in the world wanted to divorce me, I needed a long hard look in the mirror and needed to be honest with myself. Things needed to change.. with or without her.. Luckily for me its looking like it will probably be with her.
The second thing AnotherStander said to me was “Instead of reading about other people stories, why don’t you have the attitude were you want to be the best DB’er this forum has seen”
Here in lies my biggest lesson in this whole process. I can try my best but I can never control anyone or guarantee things will work out ok. All I can do is be the best man I can be for myself, handle the bad times with dignity, and hope for the best.
It was letting go of that control that allowed me to change so much quicker. I just thought “fu** it” what have I got to lose?? I thought I was doing it right before i.e. ironing, being faithful, paying the bills – but I wasn’t. None of that really matters. People want nice people. Confident, trust worthy people who they can rely on. My goal was to reach that person. The funny thing is now I am close to achieving what I original set out to achieve, it isn’t how I expected it to be. In fact I am quite blasé about it. I am happy; but not crying with desperate joy. I’m cool and talking it in my stride. And this is because I know that she is lucky to have me as much as I am lucky to have her. I deserve this. And hopefully I can carry on learning each day and we can continue to move in a positive direction together – but always on the basis of being healthy individuals also.
