Finding my way out of the dark - Part 4

[Holding]

Thanks again for the laughter.

JoeJoe, I agree that I need to just be myself and stop trying to strategize every interaction. I was never very curious about her purchases in the past. It's possible that leaving the bag out was not intentional on her part. I do suspect it was designed to get a reaction from me, but that's me "fabricating" again (as Acc would say).

(I think I feel another long post coming on)

I had a great Saturday - STBXW was gone. I got my car back with the transmission fixed! I got S14 to go through his clothes and put aside what no longer fit. Then I took him and S10 to the mall, where we bought S14 new school clothes, and S10 got something from the Lego store. On the way home we stopped and got pizza, and S14 entertained us with stories about memes. Things were really good without STBXW around.

On Sunday, I woke up in a down mood, because I knew STBXW would be coming back. Plus I've been having crazy dreams lately - anytime STBXW shows up in one, I seem to wake up. S14 didn't want to go to church, so I took S10. When we got back, I helped him with a school project.

Part of the project was selecting a sentence that represented a theme from a particular story. The first sentence he selected was "Life can suddenly change." When he saw that one, he said "That's a good one for me." I asked him why, and he said he had a good normal life, and now he's losing his house and his parents are getting divorced. I tried to hold my tears, but they started to come fast and I had to go to my room. I had another session bawling on the closet floor.

As I've been thinking more about STBXW's perspective in all this, it's made me feel more responsible for my part in the downfall of my M. And so I feel partly responsible for this h3ll we're going through. I know I shouldn't, but part of me still feels like a failure.

I heard STBXW come home, so I pulled my sh1t together. I helped S10 finish his project, and then I cut the grass. After a while she took the boys to her brother's house for a BBQ. When I was done with the grass, I decided to get myself some "GAL dinner". So I got dressed up, headed out to a restaurant, and got myself a good steak and a beer. Got home and made lunches for the boys for school.

On Monday I was off from work, so it was a good day for IC. I told my IC how I've been having a lot doubts lately about whether I've done the right thing. I also wonder if STBXW has been trying to make me jealous in various ways - leaving out the Victoria's Secret bag, telling me guys were hitting on her on Facebook, and saying some guy tripped over a grate checking her out. It hasn't made me jealous, but it could be an interesting pattern. I think my STBXW wanted me to "fight" for the M more. Everyone tells me I did fight for it, but I guess I'm just second-guessing myself. Too much mind reading.

IC reminded me that I have power in this sitch, and maybe I should consider initiating a convo with STBXW. Maybe I could apologize for the things I've done wrong. Not for her, but for me to feel like I've said my piece. But IC stressed that I should take several days and think long and hard about whether I really wanted to do that. Does anyone think that would be a good idea?

I saw a movie at the theater by myself yesterday. Second time I've done that since BD. But this time I felt comfortable by myself, instead of self conscious.

I also had Divorce Care yesterday. I told the group that I really liked the more open conversation we'd had last week, and I hoped we'd be able to do more of that. Everyone seemed to agree, so we'll see how that goes. One challenge is that different people seem to come and go from week to week.

Last night, S10 started thinking about Halloween and asked me and STBXW who would take him trick or treating. I told him I didn't know since we hadn't talked about it. Then she said she'd take him and I'd be welcome to join them. He looked at me and said, "Daddy, please come." I told him I'd think about it. I am a little resentful that STBXW just "claimed" it and made me into a tag-along. I think I need to address this with her.

Later, STBXW asked me why I always seem to go to my room when she's around. I know I should have directly answered, but I said I wasn't doing it as much as I used to, and I told her she did the same thing. She said she's usually getting ready for the next day. Then she added that she didn't feel comfortable in her own house. I said I understood that feeling.

Sometimes I just want to grab STBXW by the shoulders and scream: "ARE YOU STILL IN THERE? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? HOW CAN YOU THROW OUR FAMILY AWAY?"

The weekends are just so tumultuous for me. And I realize I'm still letting STBXW have too much headspace. I think I need to switch up my GAL activities. Maybe I need to look into that skydiving solo class.