Any Advice 2

[sandi2]

I know only too well it is real. i just had a hard times understanding why she felt like she needed to continue getting her emotional needs filled by him when i was readily available to do that

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If you get an opportunity to read the differences in how men and women communicate to each other....and how their ears hear something else, I think you would find it interesting and maybe even beneficial.

As I understand it, your MR was not up to par when your W began her A. Therefore, I'm guessing she did not feel you were emotional available to her. It took her turning to another man to spur you out of your funk (for lack of a better word). I venture to say that she did try to communicate her needs, but you heard it as complaints, whining, & nagging.

My question i guess is how can i turn this ship around? I got the DR book today and im going to read it. I also have the five love languages book. I found out that her language is words of affirmation. How do i go about putting all this into play?

You are asking me to formulate a pat answer that take authors writing books to explain. We tell you to start with DB detaching........but you don't want to do it. You see it as "more of the same behavior", and you want to jump into some type of pursuing actions that will sweep her off her feet and win her back.

We tell you to GAL like there's no tomorrow, but you want to stick close to home and spend more time with the kids. Kids are a good excuse, but you still have to regularly GAL, not just once in a while. You see GAL as being absent and "more of the same" behavior to your W.

We tell you to do 180's, and you have made some remarkable steps in improving yourself. 180's are not just about self improvements. They are other things, such as causing some mystery. You want to start doing all the things in your M that you should have been doing for a long time, but you are not hearing what we are saying. These things will come in good time, but "timing" is critical in a WW situation. Before you can show her what a fantastic H you are, she needs to see what kind of man you are when she continues to bring a third person into the mix. Get it? What would you have done if she was a girlfriend and started two-timing you? As a man, how would you have dealt with her? I know, after M, things are not that simple, but human nature does not change. Nothing is more true that with a WW. Find the man you need to be. Then we can get down to details about the H role.

She gets no needs other than basics met by me right now. No sex, no intimacy. no emotional.

Of course she get more than basic needs from you! She gets benefits just being M to you. How many times has she enjoyed you going to the grocery store and got so much attention? How many times does she get to engage in conversations with you? How many times do you do things "as a family" (if only eating together)? How much help do you give her with the kids, and working on the house? See, you are not really separated. In-house S is an avenue to enable the WW to continue disrespecting her H, M, and home. So, it's makes it more complicated.

I know only too well it is real. i just had a hard times understanding why she felt like she needed to continue getting her emotional needs filled by him when i was readily available to do that

.

If you get an opportunity to read the differences in how men and women communicate to each other....and how their ears hear something else, I think you would find it interesting and maybe even beneficial.

As I understand it, your MR was not up to par when your W began her A. Therefore, I'm guessing she did not feel you were emotional available to her. It took her turning to another man to spur you out of your funk (for lack of a better word). I venture to say that she did try to communicate her needs, but you heard it as complaints, whining, & nagging.

My question i guess is how can i turn this ship around? I got the DR book today and im going to read it. I also have the five love languages book. I found out that her language is words of affirmation. How do i go about putting all this into play?

You are asking me to formulate a pat answer that take authors writing books to explain. We tell you to start with DB detaching........but you don't want to do it. You see it as "more of the same behavior", and you want to jump into some type of pursuing actions that will sweep her off her feet and win her back.

We tell you to GAL like there's no tomorrow, but you want to stick close to home and spend more time with the kids. Kids are a good excuse, but you still have to regularly GAL, not just once in a while. You see GAL as being absent and "more of the same" behavior to your W.

We tell you to do 180's, and you have made some remarkable steps in improving yourself. 180's are not just about self improvements. They are other things, such as causing some mystery. You want to start doing all the things in your M that you should have been doing for a long time, but you are not hearing what we are saying. These things will come in good time, but "timing" is critical in a WW situation. Before you can show her what a fantastic H you are, she needs to see what kind of man you are when she continues to bring a third person into the mix. Get it? What would you have done if she was a girlfriend and started two-timing you? As a man, how would you have dealt with her? I know, after M, things are not that simple, but human nature does not change. Nothing is more true that with a WW. Find the man you need to be. Then we can get down to details about the H role.

She gets no needs other than basics met by me right now. No sex, no intimacy. no emotional.

Of course she get more than basic needs from you! She gets benefits just being M to you. How many times has she enjoyed you going to the grocery store and got so much attention? How many times does she get to engage in conversations with you? How many times do you do things "as a family" (if only eating together)? How much help do you give her with the kids, and working on the house? See, you are not really separated. In-house S is an avenue to enable the WW to continue disrespecting her H, M, and home. So, it's makes it more complicated.

We tell you to do 180's, and you have made some remarkable steps in improving yourself. 180's are not just about self improvements. They are other things, such as causing some mystery. You want to start doing all the things in your M that you should have been doing for a long time, but you are not hearing what we are saying. These things will come in good time, but "timing" is critical in a WW situation. Before you can show her what a fantastic H you are, she needs to see what kind of man you are when she continues to bring a third person into the mix. Get it? What would you have done if she was a girlfriend and started two-timing you? As a man, how would you have dealt with her? I know, after M, things are not that simple, but human nature does not change. Nothing is more true than with a WW. Find the man you once were...or need to be. Then we can get down to more details about the H role. Within a WW situation, the root problem is disrespect toward her H. Therefore, you have to observe her level of respect in her actions and attitude as if you were an outsider looking in on the scene. Before you can have her true desire and admiration.....you've got to have her respect. One of the main differences in men and women is that women are designed to love one at a time. Men may feel love for more than one woman, but usually, women don't. They are more complexed. Their "in-love" feelings are tied to their level of respect for that man. When he becomes her H, that function doesn't change, it intensifies.

She gets no needs other than basics met by me right now. No sex, no intimacy. no emotional.

Of course she gets more than basic needs from you! She gets benefits just being M to you. How many times has she enjoyed you going to the grocery store and got so much attention? How many times does she get to engage in conversations with you? How many times do you do things "as a family" (if only eating together)? See, you are not really separated. In-house S is just an avenue to enable the WW to continue disrespecting her H, M, and home. So, it's makes it more complicated.

So, let's design a plan of action. First, I want you to understand that when you read DR and 5LL, you will be eager to start lavishing all this on your WW. But here's the thing, #1 read DR carefully and don't skip around. This book tells how divorce is not the answer, and the steps to bust a divorce. Most of the book is geared for couples who are willing to work on their M. There are statements in the book that tells the reader, but if you skip around, you are likely to miss it. #2 the book does not discuss the wayward spouse. It talks about infidelity, and groups it with the WAS.

5LL is a very enlightening book! It usually inspires its readers to immediately apply what they've learned. IMHO, I see this book and its application in the same way I see giving validation for the W who wants out of the M. (Btw, they aren't the same.) If it feels unnatural for the H.....he should practice on others first (his kids, relatives, co-workers, etc.) Of course, you need to be cautious of what you apply to co-workers, but you could practice validation, and words of affirmation. This part of his plan is to groom himself for becoming the man only a fool would leave. Then, he slowly begins to apply what he has practiced.

My LL would come under words of affirmation. When I was very young, this would helped my self-esteem so much! Words of affirmation is much, much more than just giving compliments & praise. In a MR, I think it carries over into emotional intimacy for some of us. I need that pillow talk with my H. I need to hear him say more than just ILY. I want to hear why he loves me, and talk about particular times that I took his breath away b/c he felt so much love. When I don't get it, I feel like a flower in the Sahara. It does not come naturally for my H. He's not a talker. So, both sides have to make an effort to speak each other's LL. Therefore, consider yourself as being in class. quote]

I will continue this conversation in a new post.