Still here. Still not detached... (Part 2)

[CW2017]

Chris
We're all feeling for you. I hope your wife is indeed bitterly regretting things. With my sitch I now have to play a waiting game and hope the iron clad physical evidence lands in my lap as I don't.want to.obtain it through snooping this time. As Sandi2 says only then will my W realise the enormity.of what she has done to her family when she hits rock bottom but at what cost? My W also knows exactly what will happen if.I do.stumble upon anything and I have to say I'm dreading that moment.

[Chris73]

Thanks everyone. Sometimes I operate under the delusion that I'm going to wake up one day and be genuinely on-board with this whole thing. Thinking in absolutes is one of my problems. But digging my heels in and becoming an obstacle in the process is only going to make things worse for everyone. Pride and ego are really difficult to keep in check during this process. I want to get a t-shirt that says, "This is NOT my idea!" But I'm starting to realize that most people know this without me having to tell them.

I didn't make it to the meditation session yesterday, but I did have a good IC session and pushed myself really hard at the gym. S8 and I have been reading Harry Potter together for the past few years. We're on the final book now and he's really excited to keep going. So last night I sat on the train and read it to him over the phone for 45 minutes. It seems a little sad to not be there with him, but I just think of it like a dad who travels a lot for work. I don't think he felt sad that I wasn't there in person. I think he was just happy that we were reading regardless of the logistics.

[AnotherStander]

Sat down with the kids yesterday to tell them about the new schedule and that ultimately "mommy is going to get a new house." D5 was excited that she would have 2 houses, "YAY!"

Very sorry you're going through this but what you describe is actually fairly common. When my W and I talked to our kids to break the news that W was moving out, they too were more interested in their new rooms and furniture and such. And honestly, if they can manage to find a silver lining in this mess then that is good, because they will experience a lot of pain and hurt over it too.

I slept for 9 hours last night (this about 3 more than normal) and all I wanted to do when I woke up was call out sick and spend this dreary rainy day in bed watching dumb tv while drifting in and out of sleep. And I was really close to doing that, but I forced myself to go in. I have IC at 3pm, a meditation group at 6 and then I'll probably go to the gym after that...

Good, GAL is your way through this mess! Keep it up!

[Chris73]

My first school morning as a solo dad went well. Got both kids up, showered, and dressed. Made breakfast (scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, and toast), packed lunches and even managed to find time for them to FaceTime with mom before the bus came. 10 mins later I’m now the train into the city for a half day of work, then back again to pick them up by 3.

Whew! *pats back*

Yesterday sucked. Day started with a dental appointment, followed by a conference call for work, and then back to back meetings with mortgage broker, accountant, and divorce lawyer.

W leaves today for a 4-day weekend in North Carolina. Told the kids she was going to a “conference” with her friends. When we switched cars yesterday she had a half-case of wine in the trunk. Looks like it will be a fun “conference!” I wonder if she’ll remember that we got married on the beach in NC?

She has been plaguing my dreams for the past few nights. Sometimes we’re back together, other times she’s screaming or laughing at me. I hope these subside soon.

Have a great weekend everyone!!

[Holding]

Great job being super dad!

She has been plaguing my dreams for the past few nights. Sometimes we’re back together, other times she’s screaming or laughing at me. I hope these subside soon.

Those dreams where they're laughing at you are the worst. Hang in there!

[Chris73]

Yep. Still not detached...

Had a great weekend with my kids in MY house. Emphasis on the MY because my W will be moving out sometime within the next 6 months. Of course I don't want her to go, but if she insists I'm going to start acting like the house is mine. This doesn't mean that I've thrown her things into a pile in the corner of the room. But I am starting to move forward with home projects that we've discussed in the past. The difference now is that I'm making all the decisions without checking with her or asking her to help.

The upside of our new schedule is that every other week I have my kids from Thursday after school until Monday morning. The downside is that Monday morning is a huge punch in the gut when the kids hop on the bus and I have to tell them that I won't see them again until Thursday.

This morning was particularly difficult because not only do I have to get the kids to the bus on time, and me to the train on time, but I also have to pack for 3 straight nights of not being home. I wanted to leave the house in absolutely perfect condition. Clean floors, no dirty dishes, beds made, laundry done, rooms clean... And I did, but it was stressful, and I didn't get time to relax as much as I should have. And then all of a sudden it's Monday morning and I find myself standing on the corner with the bus pulling up and wondering how the weekend went by so quickly.

The motivation to be Super Sad is influenced by many things, but there is one that reminds me that I'm still not detached. I want to elicit a reaction from my W. I want her to come home after being away for 4 days and see how much I didn't need her. I want her to realize what she's losing by walking away from our life together. Yes, taking care of everything does make me feel good and sets a good example for my kids, but I really have to wonder how much of the house stuff I would have let slide if she wasn't still living there...

[TBSakaJ9]

Probably a lot . I have mopped and swept my floors once since the W moved out (probably the same for the toilets) and tomorrow will be 4 months. I am a dude, it's a Bachelor pad.......it is going to happen and I don't care

With that said I think it just depends on who you are as a person. Only you know if it is your normal style! It sounds like you are recognizing though that it might be so your W notices. Just be yourself!

[Chris73]

Time for a little perspective. As much as I avoid Facebook these days, I pop on everyone once in a while to check out the "On This Day" section. Today was a 10-year-old message on my wall simply stating: "Hi Chris. Congratulations on your marriage!" The post was from a friend I used to work with who has since died of breast cancer. It felt humbling to know that there are millions of people struggling every day with things way worse than my situation. Ten years later, the husband of the friend who died is remarried and seems to be very happy. There's hope for all of us.

[Gordie]

How’s it going?

[Gordie]

Yep. Still not detached...

Had a great weekend with my kids in MY house. Emphasis on the MY because my W will be moving out sometime within the next 6 months. Of course I don't want her to go, but if she insists I'm going to start acting like the house is mine. This doesn't mean that I've thrown her things into a pile in the corner of the room. But I am starting to move forward with home projects that we've discussed in the past. The difference now is that I'm making all the decisions without checking with her or asking her to help.

The upside of our new schedule is that every other week I have my kids from Thursday after school until Monday morning. The downside is that Monday morning is a huge punch in the gut when the kids hop on the bus and I have to tell them that I won't see them again until Thursday.

This morning was particularly difficult because not only do I have to get the kids to the bus on time, and me to the train on time, but I also have to pack for 3 straight nights of not being home. I wanted to leave the house in absolutely perfect condition. Clean floors, no dirty dishes, beds made, laundry done, rooms clean... And I did, but it was stressful, and I didn't get time to relax as much as I should have. And then all of a sudden it's Monday morning and I find myself standing on the corner with the bus pulling up and wondering how the weekend went by so quickly.

The motivation to be Super Sad is influenced by many things, but there is one that reminds me that I'm still not detached. I want to elicit a reaction from my W. I want her to come home after being away for 4 days and see how much I didn't need her. I want her to realize what she's losing by walking away from our life together. Yes, taking care of everything does make me feel good and sets a good example for my kids, but I really have to wonder how much of the house stuff I would have let slide if she wasn't still living there...

Will this be the custody schedule?

You get 4 nights every 14 days?

Curious because I am working on mine right now too and know you also commute with a demanding job.