Am I stuck?

[Stuck72]

This is hard to admit. I'm going to say this here hoping that admitting it will help me make it go away.

Do LBSs go through a final depression and withdrawl phase? I get out and look fine on the surface, but underneath I can't stop questioning if I can stand to do this all much longer. I don't feel joy in anything, and after all this time I don't feel like joy or even peace is around the corner. It isn't that I don't think anyone will want me in the future. I've had offers. I just can't see myself trusting someone or enjoying anything or anyone in the future. It makes me feel guilty when someone likes me. It makes me want to avoid meeting new people.

I want to get away from my feelings but I know that it would be horrible for the children if I were to end it on purpose. I feel like my only escape is closed to me. I think constantly about writing a trust to transfer the house to a financial guardian and picking dangerous GAL activities in the hopes that there will be an accident.

My children are teenagers and I've spoken with other mothers who are going through something similar to grief at this stage. My work is very stressful currently. I would like to free myself from that too, but I'm not ready to retire. So either of those things could cause this feeling too.

So I'm struggling and I hope I can make this feeling go away.