WH came back. Piecing. Past the 2 year mark ...

[25yearsmlc]

Hi!

It's been awhile, so I think it's time for an update. IMO I personally feel that if we are going to give advice and 2*4 others, then we owe it to the community to share our own sitch.

We are getting close to the end of the Retrouvaille program. I have said before that we are not Catholic, however we appreciate the program, the teachings, and the overall goals. It is an international program and anyone is welcome to attend; couples (and priests) share a wealth of information on the importance of marriage and the steps needed to have a long term successful marriage. A lot of the tools we are learning are invaluable--communicating feelings, being personally accountable, and accepting that everything is a choice (marriage, love, forgiveness, etc). It's quite impressive actually.

That's the good stuff and I still do highly recommend it.


Here is where I am getting thrown off. I am starting to feel that the indoctrination is getting in the way of what I am trying to get out of it. Could it simply be that some of the presenting couples are more fundamental in their beliefs than others? The last session we were basically told that if we want to save our M, then we need to go to church together and pray together.

I love that you are so fair with your comments. Though I'm Catholic, h was not (he became atheist in past 5 years (or more??)

So I was leary of anything that might press religion too much. It would turn h off.

OTOH, I do think if h had continued believing in something, he'd have behaved differently, and we'd probably still be m.

Maybe that's like me saying "if h had more values like mine...etc"?

The other reaction to your question is, maybe the more "fundamental" couples may well have Not started out that way but after they began digging in, they did. Or maybe that's why they were able to commit again?

The couples at our retrovaille had been thru he11, but they did seem bonded. I recall thinking "Good grief, if THEY can make it...!"

It takes a lot of faith in something bigger than us, to forgive, IMO.


Without getting into my history in religion and H's history (why he became a MNG and our M failed, as he had an over-controlling Catholic mother), buuutttttt telling us TAHT is the last thing we need to hear to save our M. We are going to try and stay open-minded and complete the program, however we now must do so much more guarded.


ironic. About 9 days ago I posted here on DB about my very positive DivorceCare support group (it's hosted by a Presbyterian church in my area, and it's national. I'm not sure if it's always in their church. But they don't require that we join). There is a group leader from the church, who conducts the meetings and makes sure we begin/end on time.

My group is so open and supportive, that we socialize a lot. After every meeting, we go for pizza and beer and we hang out.

Someone posted on this site, that in their area the dogma is being pushed too much.

I shared my very different experience herein,

and dang if the next night, I felt hammered with fundamentalist Christian dogma in the group's video presentation.


I live in a very diverse part of the country and have friends and co-workers of all world faiths, and I have yet to see a strong correlation between religion and M success.
In fact the couples that I think have strong marriages happen to me agonist (atheist).

well that has not been my experience, but then, It's not as if I have taken a scientific poll. I read that people who marry in (a) church have a lower divorce rate. Not sure if that's true. But I've heard and read it a few times.

For me, marriage was more of a commitment partly b/c of my faith, but hey, here I am.

Am I suggesting that this data should mean anything about the program? No, but I am saying that couples can have lasting and loving Ms without going to church together and praying. There are so many reasons people stay together, and while religion/faith may help for some, it is not the only reason.

of course

There have also been some presenting couples that have talked about the abuse they have endured and that they still choose to stay and work on the M. That has caused me some mixed emotions TBH. There are a few presenting couples that come to mind that my initial thought has been "why are you still together?"


the abuse was inside the marriage? Ugh. Yikes. I can understand your concern.

In our Retrovaille the single most difficult challenge in the presenting couples, was for the two couples who lost children. (I can't even...) And affairs.

The goal of the presenting couples are to go over the material in the post-sessions, but it is also to show newbies that really any M can be saved if both people decide to and do the work. That is correct and they are proving it's true. Me personally, there are just things that I could not endure and some of these people have accepted horrific abuses.

Yeah, I hear you. (Gee, I guess the good news is that we'd have clarity.)


Lately, I have been again more focused on my own GAL. I cycle through times of doubt about my M and if I can forgive H. Will that last forever? - I still miss how I felt about him before the A. I want to feel that way about my partner in life. He is a good guy, he does all the things--remorse, great at validation, awesome dad and co-housekeeper, and he is all in--but my heart is not in it. He still had an A and left me for this ugly mistake. So while there are so many things I like about my H more now, the history is and will always be there. Will I learn to accept and embrace that over time? I can't say yet.

you did mention that we all have choice. So? Or Is this a form of abuse for you? I'm asking, since you say that it's something you would not endure.

Guess your question is whether you are asking too much of yourself. Not whether you "should" but whether you can.

How can you figure that out?


I guess the difference now is that I don't feel as much emotion around it. I enjoy my day to day life, my family, my kiddos, my friendships, and my GAL. I have been running, swimming, hiking, and really enjoying my days off more than ever.

Blu

So is there really something to "decide" Now - or are you simply saying "hey, I'm in piecing - and it ain't for the feint of heart" ?