Thanks, Maika, I appreciate you saying that. Piecing and forgiving betrayal has been my biggest obstacle, no doubt! There certainly isn't a one size fits all approach either. There are no 37 rules for this!
We each come with our own complicated psychology, history, traumas, personalities, goals, etc. Even knowing that, I can't help but search for some formula or thing that I can do to make this work. It doesn't. I have so many darn feelings that keep getting in the way of my choices. All I can do is get up each day, try to be a good person, think about my goals, and work a little harder than I did the day before.
Sometimes it sounds so hopeless and that the LBS may be better off just DBing for themselves and moving on. Here is the thing tho and this is the point I want to make; you are ALWAYS better off DBing for yourself regardless of the outcome. Always. DB is for you and you only. It is hard for a lot of people here to accept that because this is a M saving site. Those of us that have been at this for more than a couple months or years, get it.
You can't control another person, manipulate them, or force them back into the M. Even if you did "trick" them back, it would not be a fulfilling or healthy relationship. We can, however, absolutely control ourselves and the type of person we want to be. Let's face it, we can post here all day long and convince the others that our S is in MLC, an alien, LIMERANCE, in a fog, etc, etc, etc. I say to that, "so what?" What difference does that make? Their perspective is still their perspective, and they felt something about us or the M was worth leaving. And whether we agree with their opinion or not, they still left. Focusing on them and their issues, will not bring them back
So all we are left to do is look at our part and inside of ourselves so we can understand why. Did we go wrong? If so, where did we go wrong and how can we do better? Then we can use what we find to help us better ourselves. We can also come to the realization that while they may not have appreciated those characteristics about us, we still do. There are thing about myself that I like that my H doesn't. And, someone else very well may like those things about us too. Maybe we learn that our S was right to leave? .... So if you can become a better person, and they are still a fool that doesn't want you, then you have in essence succeeded and you can still feel good about yourself.
Either way, we are the ones that want to save the M, we can only control our side of the street, so that's all we CAN do. There is only one way to win at this, and I don't think winning means getting them back. I have mine back and I am still running this race ...
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
