You have no idea what is round the corner, but if you have this mind set you are literally preparing yourself for the worse.
Even the people that have achieved some sort of recon have all thought it was over at some point, but if you keep believing and looking to improve, you never know what is waiting for you.. whether you end up on your own, or with someone else, or even a new relationship with your W. You seem to want to shut that door pretty quickly considering your D isn't even final yet.
Well, I managed to destroy the small tiny ittybitty chance by telling her I'm better off. I was angry, hurt and stupid, but I can't change how I behaved so there's no reason to dwell on there but to accept the scenario and move on. This pushed her more towards OM, albeit I know they were seeing much more than what she told me.
Expect the worst, hope for the best. The D is final in two months from this day. I don't know how I should handle it, should I go sign the paper if she even asks me to or should I say something like "let this be the final apology and my trust that our marriage would have been savable, but I let you do what you feel is the right choice; I am not going to file it myself"? (I don't have to sign it since either one of us filing it the second time is enough - just like the first time). I think she just files it and asks me for half of the money.
Originally Posted By: Parkema
lcause,
Benito is right here.
For me I can never get into the habit of thinking the worst even if my situation is as bad as it can be. IF we choose to fight for what’s right then our mindset needs to reflect a positive outcome or you’re demeanor will allow the negativity out!
I understand how hard it is when we see our WW carrying on with their destructive actions BUT if we are serious about wanting a positive outcome we have to put in the hard work! My WW is presently enjoying a 5-night break with her AP/LO somewhere in Europe, the positive here is that I have my kids throughout this time AND it just escalates their “getting to know each other” time.
Again the time is key for me but as much as that is the continued PMA for me to move forwards improving myself.
Look at it this way – at the beginning of their A for them everything was amazing with rainbows and unicorns whilst I was in the darkest place I’ve ever been, now through time I’m beginning to see a lighter picture. I believe through time their A will take a downward turn, it has to if it doesn’t then they truly are “soulmates”. So while they “come down” from their addiction I’m working towards making my life better, my life has to get better it can’t get any worse so this mindset makes me remain positive in a very difficult time.
Another thing the statistics for second MR’s being successful? NOT THAT GREAT. Just because you D doesn’t mean it’s over, keep positive show her that person IRRELEVENT of where it goes and work on being the better.
M.
First off, thank you Mark for commenting my thread. I am truly sorry I offended you and I won't comment on your sitch anymore. I feel that you misinterpreted me though but I am here to blame because I worded it really badly.
My mindset just doesn't work that way. As long as I keep up hope, my changes are fake. I don't truly transform for myself but keep thinking what she would see as a pro in me. I need to truly move on and heal before I can get lasting changes for MYSELF.
I don't know why people are saying "there's always hope" "you will most likely get a chance to recon" for me, because they don't know my sitch at all. We are so young that we both can build our completely new lives from scratch. I don't really know if my XW had an affair or not (there were signs but who knows? I very much suspect it though), but it's not moving nearly as fast as your XW's Mark. They are still only seeing quite rarely, although XW spends most of the time talking with him in WhatsApp.
Originally Posted By: Benito
It is very very disheartening to go through what we all have done and/or are doing.
How were we taught from right from wrong as a kid? We did well at school---> We got sweets, or a bit of money, or something similar. Its in our make up to want to see some sort of 'end result' from our actions. Even if we are fully aware we aren't going to get a result straight away - we are ok with that because at least we know that 'in the end everything will be ok'.
The difficulty we have is that the situation we are in needs an absolutely unbelievable amount of hope and internal strength because you aren't guaranteed a result. If you ever think "so what's the point then?" - then your journey to self improvement is not complete yet and you are still holding onto changing or coping or waiting for a recon subconsciously.
If you are looking at your W as the goal or normality, then its easy to think its over or it’s a lost cause (boom boom) because there is no pat on the back for our daily struggles emotional and physically.
I can only talk from my experience because I really do want to help. I know what its like - I could have killed myself 3/4 times over the last 6 months. But I am still here.
Not only am I here, but to give you an impression of the stage I am at I received this yesterday from her via text
"Aww (name), I love you, I seriously don’t know what I would do without you. This new you is an absolute dream come true for me. Thank you"
"Very Happy, Were happier now then we used to be. Sorry all this had to happen. But it has changed us for the better Xx"
I haven't wrote that because I am trying to show off, or I'm trying to make people feel worse, I am on here because I want people to know that fully detaching does (or at least can) work.
Even now we spend each weekend together, I have never text her first, ring her first or chased.
I sat in my house crying while I knew on facebook she was out, enjoying life without me. But then it dawned on me. I CANT CONTROL OR MANIPULATE anyone. People will come to you (as they did when they first met you) because they are interested in you. Remember back then?
I had drifted so far from that it was untrue. I was a wet rag.
When we did spend time together I didn’t put on a act.. But I did promise myself I wasn’t mentally looking for clues or similar when we were together or separate. I forced myself to enjoy every moment. I was happy to be alive. Happy to have a car. A playstation. My hobbies. Whatever it takes to focus your life onto some sort of self and internal appreciation I had to get there.
When I did, even though it broke my heart to see my life fall apart.. I still believed (not with her) that things would be ok. If I was positive enough for long enough and I didn’t let the bad times shake me - something, someway, somehow would be ok.
An hour visit turned into a day out… a day out turned into sleeping over.. And so on.
Never text to say "so sex was great last night and I love you etc.. When you coming home?" I left it. Started each day a fresh. Acted like it didn’t happen at all. That space gave her the time she needed without any pressure to go through her own experience and to make her own mind up without any pressure from me in any way shape or form.
That was 6th months. Everyday I woke up sad, but I stuck with the game plan and kept faith. I wanted it faster, but I didn’t push, didn’t look for clues. I planned my weeks in advance so that I had things to do, so if she didn’t text or call, it didn’t matter because I was busy.
Its such a hard road, it stinks, but fortune favours the brave and sometimes I look at this last 6 months as the worst but also the best thing to ever happen to me. Keep your chin up - life is NOT fair, but you know deep down if you are attractive to women or not. If you don’t feel attractive - look at the key points you think that women find attractive and implement that into your thinking until it becomes part of who you are. Anyone can change if they let go of the emotional mental story that plays in the mind when they are hurting and focus on the end goal.
I understand the point. I'm very happy for you B. It's really heartwarming that some of us really get the chance to make our marriages much better the second time around. Your sitch gladly took the turn due to your changes and her willingness to see them. Thank god there was no third party involved either. I think I would probably have had a chance if the timing was different and she wouldn't have lined a replacement before leaving me. I sometimes wonder if she was there with me just until a better man showed up.
I get your point and I'm agreeing with you here. My mindset just continuously seeks for either points that proves I'm a good man or points that fall in "revenge". This is why I need to force myself out of the hope aspect to truly understand I'm alone here and I only transform for MYSELF, not because of anyone else. I don't have any clue whatsoever why people keep saying I would have hope (because I truly DO know her and I truly DO know how she thinks right now), but it's just too easy to trust on that and just keep waiting. I know I want to hear it... but then again I don't.
It truly is disheartening, especially since I lose most of the kids' lives. Time will heal me and maybe I can enjoy family life with someone else in the future. I think - I really think - I want more children.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
