How in the hell is she getting any of these neds fulfilled over the phone? I can maybe see the emotional aspect at first, but how many times can you hear i love you and miss you on the phone before it gets old with no contact? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Well.........without getting graphic, I'll just say that it's enough to keep the A going. It may not be skin on skin, but with the heighten sexual tension and a little imagination, it's really not that difficult. Some WW's feel it's better than what they had been getting from the H......which was nothing.
I want you to listen carefully, b/c I don't intend to go over this again. Your brain is blocked and you can't think outside of the box. To you it's all about skin on skin in order to have needs met. You need to read about the different love languages, and you'll learn everyone doesn't speak love the same way.
In other words, some women feel adored, love, valued, etc., through vocabulary. The OM can talk about how sexy she is, how she makes him feel, etc. He romances her, flirts with her, plays with her, etc., by TALKING TO HER. He says words she likes to hear. He makes her feel special. They turn her on and boost her self confidence. Therefore, she has EMOTIONAL needs met through their verbal communication. And, if it leads to phone sex, or she finds herself alone in bed......all she needs is her fantasy (and maybe a vibrator) to feel she's getting what she wants for right then..... get the picture? She's in a fantasy and she doesn't think rationally, so she's probably feeling this is temporary until they can be together.......but for now, she's caught up in this dream.
You can deny it's a real A, but truth is that this other man is doing more for your W (emotionally)than you have done for some time. The OM is making emotional love to your wife! That seems to be something many LBH's don't understand about women. You guys may do fine with just physical sex and affection......but most women need the emotional intimacy to feel satisfied or complete. Why? Maybe b/c of how we are designed, IDK. We are emotional creations, and we crave emotional intimacy, just as much as you crave the physical intimacy. A very good relationship has both the physical and emotional intimacy.
At some point, one of them will push for more......and if that falls through, then the A may start to fizzle out. But here's the danger about emotional affairs......she gets a thrill from it. It's like getting high, and it is addictive. If this OM is cast aside, she will more than likely still want that fix (and basically, contacting the affair partner is getting her drug fix). So, she will either go through withdrawals or she'll find OM#2 that will give her those good feelings (emotional high).
When I first came to the board, I did not know about this information on how affairs affect the brain chemicals. I did a little reading about it (and was impressed by a certain book I cannot mention), and together with lots of mentoring.....it helped me to make the decision to do the right thing. Then, I discovered what I had read about the withdrawals were true. It was tough!
So anyway, I want you to see that her affair is feeding some emotional need. Even if she blames you for not showing enough physical affection......she has reached out to another man to fill her emptiness she feels emotionally. This OM is courting her.
Before I was M, my H was in the military, and we wrote letters every day. Come to find out, he was better at romancing me through letters than face to face. It was enough to keep me committed to him for two years, while he was in the service. So, you see......your W's OM is basically doing the same thing, except it is morally wrong b/c she's a M woman.
Your WW is getting something from both men. What the OM can't provide.....you give to her. What you aren't providing, she gets from him. This arrangement could go on for a long time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
