The yelling began, and she said how the week of vacation with me was terrible, and if I didn't sleep in the basement, she would just move out. I tried to argue at first, but then remembered validation. I tried it, but she kept yelling over me, so I then reverted to arguing.
Do you have any more concrete examples, because Im having trouble what this means. You started by arguing, which I assumes means yelling. Then you tried validating...for a little bit? and then back to yelling?
Validation isnt a strategy to 'try' for a couple minutes. Its a systematic behavioral change towards being more empathetic. Its about working towards understanding what she is feeling. I dont understand why that is a skill to turn on or off. It isnt about speaking softly or agreeing. its about expressing your acknowledgment of the other person's feelings.
Originally Posted By: Kylo
She said nothing is happening to me, as in no negative consequences to the divorce. I told her she's ruining my life and my kids' life, that's enough "happening".
Ugh. Stop giving her so much emotional power over you. I am divorced from someone who I used to think I couldnt live without. I promise...your life isnt ruined. And I also promise you that my children's lives arent ruined.
Originally Posted By: Kylo
I told her to get a job, and then she can move out all she wants. She tells me she doesn't have a resume, so she can't (she's into her second month of talking about this resume that she can't do by herself). I tell her I'll get it done tonight, these people have already said they want her. Anyway, the argument went on for awhile, excuses on top of excuses.
Next time, just walk away. No good can come from emotional drag-down arguments. Like...why would you make her resume? You already laid out your thoughts - Im sleeping here, you can sleep where you want. If shes set on moving out, then let her figure out a way to do it.
Originally Posted By: Kylo
It becomes clearer to me now that some of her dumb excuses are because she won't state the real reason she is doing anything. Another late discovery that does little to help me now.
Im not sure Im following you. What 'real reasons'? My opinion is that whatever they are...they dont matter much.
Originally Posted By: Kylo
I know this was a total DB failure, but I have lost almost all respect for her. She has contradicted herself on so many things, it just makes me want to puke. My patience is gone which makes me a failure at DB. At least some of the DB principals will help me minimize the damage from the D. She absolutely can't stand her mother, but is going to end up just like her.
OK. Take a few breaths and calm down. Yes, this sounds like a rough encounter. Tey happen. So get back on your house and keep going. If the "DB principles" are actually going to mean anything to you, then you know that they arent really exclusive to a failing marriage...they are tentposts to help you have successful relationships. So why would you stop applying them just because of this argument?
