Still here. Still not detached... (Part 2)

[Chris73]

Welcome to one of the toughest Monday mornings I've faced in a long time.

Sat down with the kids yesterday to tell them about the new schedule and that ultimately "mommy is going to get a new house." D5 was excited that she would have 2 houses, "YAY!" S8 didn't really say much at all, just wanted to get back to watching the iPad. The boy is very much like me and holds a lot in. I'm sure it's a combination of being embarrassed to show his true feelings and not wanting to say/do anything to make waves or upset anyone. We tried to prod him just a little for a reaction without being too insistent, but he just kept saying, "No, it's ok. I get it." The "I get it" response kills me because there's a lot that lies behind those words. He's a pretty mature kid for his age, and I think he really DOES get it.

I left soon after and spent most of the car ride feeling numb. There's a conflict here that I'm having trouble dealing with. OF COURSE I want my kids to be happy. But at the same time, when D5's reaction to getting a 2nd house was "YAY!" I wanted to vomit. It feels like I'm the only one on the planet who thinks this is a bad idea, but I have to go along with it anyway. Then again, do I really want my kids to be upset about this? That's an ego position. If the kids are unhappy because my W is moving out I can take the "told you so" stance... but what good does that do? The kids are unhappy and my W feels guilty. It's like purposely trying to lose a game that you didn't want to play in the first place.

I slept for 9 hours last night (this about 3 more than normal) and all I wanted to do when I woke up was call out sick and spend this dreary rainy day in bed watching dumb tv while drifting in and out of sleep. And I was really close to doing that, but I forced myself to go in. I have IC at 3pm, a meditation group at 6 and then I'll probably go to the gym after that...